you asked

Forgetting those moments that make me who I am. Forgetting the little things; that sunrise, the warmth of your hand, the dimple in your half smile, the feeling when smelling apple cider as you walk into the house. Forgetting how fear felt, how depression and pain, the ache, the dark, the apathy. Not being able to see the leaves twirl in the wind or the anxiety in a two year old
face as she shows you her coloring and hopes you like it. Losing the ability to notice the things a friend doesn’t say, the nonverbal cues, their body English. No longer noticing the lovely way a sentence can be structured, the colors of the sunset, the beauty in chaos and spontaneity. Forgetting how to see the deep beauty in the mountains, forgetting to feel small when looking at the stars. I’m scared of these. I’m scared to grow up and become an adult with my feet firmly on the ground with my head and heart drilled to my skeleton. 

I’m scared to forget, to lose, to no longer notice all of these amazing small details that are in this amazing life. Because the little things are the big things, and what will I do if I lose those? 

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bury it  

I went out and planted bulbs today. A mix of little blue flowers, daffodils, and spiky red Dr. Suess like blooms, all enclosed inside of a bulbous papery brown lump.  As of right now, they are lying beneath the dirt, buried away.  They may look like they are quite dead, left there and forgotten, deep down where no one can see them, but they aren’t. 

They are full of life. Dormant, it’s true, but come spring they will push up and reveal glorious colors. 

It got me thinking on how much like this is like life. We have to bury things, so that they can grow and have beauty later on. If we left the bulbs out, they would die and we’d never see their glory. By burying them, they can slowly grow, sleep, be nourished. And at the perfect time, they will break through the soil, and no longer be forgotten. 

 

joy stealers

Do you know what takes the joy out of your life?  Sin.  Sin.  When you as a Christian, allow sin to creep back into your life after you have been justified, that destroys that joy.  That’s the reason that David prayed in Psalm 51:12: “Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation.”  He didn’t pray, “God have my salvation restored.”

Once you get saved, you can’t lose it.  But you can lose the joy of your salvation.  And there’s only one thing that can take the joy of your salvation:  if you have a broken home, that can’t take the joy out of your heart.  If you have a wayward child, that can’t take the joy out of your heart.  If your house burns down, that can’t take the joy out of your heart.

There’s only one thing that can steal your joy, and that is: sin.  You say, “Well, what if somebody does something mean to me?”  That can’t take the joy out of your heart, that can take the joy out of his heart.  Your reaction to what he does to you can take the joy out of your heart.

If you want to see what a person is, don’t watch their actions, watch their reactions.  See, you can plan your actions.  Your reactions show the real you.

-Adrian Rogers

And it’s so beautiful and reassuring that God doesn’t turn from us when we sin. If we get distant from Him, it’s because we feel guilty and turn away from Him.

forgiveness 

Rushing away the hurt and the pain, 
The seas flood the depths of the heart.

Filling with peace the wounds that remained 

Small words restoring each part.

For like they said, healing comes by and by,

The valleys I’ve conquered, the mountains I’ve climbed.

Singing with joy I stand higher and high,

I look, then I leap off the summit and fly.
-g.h.

farther along

Farther along we’ll know all about itFarther along we’ll understand why

Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine

We’ll understand this, all by and by
Tempted and tried, I wondered why

The good man died, the bad man thrives

And Jesus cries because he loves em’ both

We’re all cast-aways in need of ropes

Hangin’ on by the last threads of our hope

In a house of mirrors full of smoke

Confusing illusions I’ve seen
Where did I go wrong, I sang along

To every chorus of the song

That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates

Leading mice and men down to their fates

But some will courageously escape

The seductive voice with a heart of faith

While walkin’ that line back home
So much more to life than we’ve been told

It’s full of beauty that will unfold

And shine like you struck gold my wayward son

That deadweight burden weighs a ton

Go down into the river and let it run

And wash away all the things you’ve done

Forgiveness alright
Still I get hard pressed on every side

Between the rock and a compromise

Like the truth and pack of lies fightin’ for my soul

And I’ve got no place left go

Cause I got changed by what I’ve been shown

More glory than the world has known

Keeps me ramblin’ on
Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall

I’m free to love once and for all

And even when I fall I’ll get back up

For the joy that overflows my cup

Heaven filled me with more than enough

Broke down my levee and my bluff

Let the flood wash me
And one day when the sky rolls back on us

Some rejoice and the others fuss

Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess

That the son of God is forever blessed

His is the kingdom, we’re the guests

So put your voice up to the test

Sing Lord, come soon

-josh garrels 

grace that is greater than all our sin

But then, do I really want to be free?

Do I want to break away from this pet struggle of mine, to let the angel kill this lizard-demon that sits on my shoulder? Do I really want to give up what I hold onto, this control? Or should I say lack of control, for I truly do not control it. I abhor and despise it, but do I really? Do I really want to be free from it? I am ashamed to look my Savior in the eye at times, I return to this sin like a dog to vomit. Afraid to ask forgiveness again, for I don’t deserve it.

And yet, I don’t need to be afraid. None of us need to be. For He is faithful. Cliche words, but when the meaning sinks in you drown in the significance. He is everything and that is the only way it can be, for I am nothing. I can’t be anything without Him helping me.  He is more, He is greater, He is patient, He is powerful, He is just, and He is also merciful. He is loving, and He is jealous. Why do I have these idols? They must go.

It doesn’t matter if I don’t feel like it, because feelings are temporary, and are not always the best things to act upon. Anything that takes my Lord’s place must go, I must surrender the demon-lizard to Him.

This Grace is an amazing thing.