today. I woke up with the dream that someone robbed my room and found $5,000 in it, and I was super confused and jealous cause where was that money hiding and why didn’t I find it first?! 

today. I talked to sweet people at the bakery, my third to last day there, pulled good shots of coffee, happy bakery smells. Took home many bagels, my family visited, and I forgot my bag there. 

today. I wrote letters, got a letter from a new little penpal, wrapped presents, thought about future things, talked to mother and my bestie. was reminded how much I love poetry, so pulled out some of my favorite old books. 

today. Is winter solstice. The shortest day of the year and one of my absolute favorites. It’s hopeful to me. beautiful sunset, shades of blue and foggy stars on the drive home. it’s almost time for December to be gone. 


roaming thoughts

In my mind, can you find, meaning not meant to hide behind?

sometimes we hide behind words, to hide our thoughts, our feelings, our face.

I have three main faces, I think. My Elisabeth, My Gracie, and My Lizard.

My Elisabeth is the more refined, gentle listener,  thinks before acting, she’s the quiet one who is still and thoughtful on late nights. She is quiet with soft smiles and adults well and plans and organizes and thinks logically but feels deeply.

My Gracie is the child’s heart. She runs and sings and dances and randomly hugs and boops peoples noses and does tickle attacks and jumps right into things and feels bad when she hits two flutterbyes with her car. She has her own words for lots of things, pulls other people into her adventures, and loves the little happy moments in life, or making moments in life happy.

And then there is Lizard. A metaphor. And she is dark. We are not fond of her.

Because, normally Gracie is dominant, with Elisabeth shadowing, (although Elisabeth has been prevalent a lot recently), and there are frequent battles with Lizard.

What are things I have learned to love?

  • core workouts
  • winter
  • the color orange
  • my voice
  • green tea
  • discipline (still in progress, but I recognize and appreciate it)
  • mushrooms
  • abstract art
  • nail polish
  • boundaries
  • hidden lessons

\\ In This Moment //

I am feeling the chair underneath me, the keyboard resistance, the cold on the tips of my fingers and toes, still tasting the cranberry tea. I am hearing mama reading Sarah a story, the boys are gone and christmas duets are playing. Baby It’s Cold Outside is a really creepy song.

I am thinking about future things; I am almost 20, I am writing, I have a job at a spa. I may have a family and house of my own someday. Weird thought, as I’m here with my family here. But I may someday wake up in my own house with little children that I helped make and my Person and we’ll snuggle and make pancakes and drink tea and walk around in pajamas and we’ll teach them the stars and how to whistle with their hands and how to fill up notebooks and make gingersnaps. It’s a happy and crazy kinda thought.

I’m thinking of my Peru friends, what they may be doing right now, all those faces and people I prayed with and pray for, who prayed with and for me. They’re inspiring, I saw a lot of Jesus on that trip, and I miss them. I miss my kids in Tambo. Maybe someday I’ll see them again. I very much hope so.

Funny about traveling, I love it, but I also love home. I love the adventure and seeing new places and going out and about, but I also love having hidey holes and nooks near me that I can retreat to, to walk on my floors and sleep in my bed and be with familiar loved people. I think this is typical, but the thought came jut a second ago so I wrote it down so I can look at it.

these are words that I’m writing down as they come, just to see where my mind wanders when it has a keyboard and blank page to traipse about on, just to see how my thought patterns look on a limited dimension surface, because I need something different than normal right now. Welcome to the mind of an INFP, or what about three pages of one of my journals may look like. I’ll prolly delete it later.

childhood times (pt. 1)

Childhood memories (pt. 1)Talking to the ducks. Walking down the creek with Chasen. The neighbor kids telling horror stories about the rats that lived in the tunnel by the creek. Making bird nests in my tree out of mud. Picking blackberries. Sitting way up high on the garage shelves eating the seed corn out of the packets. Tea parties with daddy. Making soup with Chasen and putting the metal pot in the microwave…

Climbing my tree. Finding goose feathers at VBS and the Teacher’s telling me not to put them in my mouth. Eating blueberry flowers and daddy telling me not to or else there won’t be any blueberries. Playing in the hose. Watching Chasen jump across the roofs. Running through the neighbors yard.