envy train

my nonbiological sister is doing well

looking well

smashing her goals

getting closer to her Savior

worshiping from her heart

dancing to glorify him

getting compliments

being praised

getting things i have wanted

being blessed….

and i feel my heart resenting it.

slithering ugly envy dragging its fingers through my heart

but i don’t have time for that.

because looking at her with a spirit of comparison,

is taking my eyes off of my savior.

of what His plans hold for ME

my time on this earth is the briefest breath

and i don’t have time to compare my life to hers

to want what she has

to be who she is

when there is a wonderful plan laid out for my life,

full of blessings and traits He has designed for me,

we’re on the same team, so why should i be tearing down my sister?

her victories do not mean my defeat,

her worth and growth does not negate my own

i do not have time for this envy game,

this tear down train,

this feeling of shame that i’m not all that she is, listening to lies that i have to be able to measure up to the standard she’s been given in order to be loved and different,

no.

when i see my sister doing well, living well, crushing her goals, walking closely with her Savior,

i will cheer for her, cry with her, walk with her, admire her, praise with her,

but i will not be bitter. i will not resent her over the petty stupid facts that i do not

look like her,

walk like her,

get attention like her,

worship like her

speak like her.

because i’m not made to be her.

i will not take my eyes from my savior and His plan for me to spend it in envy over what He is doing in one of His other beautiful creations.

i will not side-eye my sibling to see if she’s “ahead” of me, i will link my arm with hers and help her walk to the best of my ability to Him and His glory,

whether she knows about it or not.

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open hands

over and over and over again

God will tap my hands, so gently,

lift my chin to look up at Him from whereever I’ve been gazing off to,

and show me that I’m gripping something too tightly.

literally

I hold my pen in a death grip, I tense up when I’m working on other people, forgetting to breathe unless I consciously tell myself to let go and let my shoulders drop. to inhale. exhale. let my hands soften.

I tend to operate in the ‘fight or flight’ mode more than I’d like to admit,

outwardly looking calm and grounded, possibly being quirky or amusing,

inwardly heart and head kicking me faster and faster, but giving me fast reflexes so hey.

metaphorically

I enjoy change. I like different things, plus change is a consistent thing and helps with growth. But sometimes God will give me something or point me in a certain direction, and instead of holding His hand or putting my head on His shoulder and letting Him bring me there in His time,

I get my little tunnel vision glasses on, lean forward, and speed walk in the direction all by my own self, where I try to wrap myself around that thing and forget to look at God, who gave that good thing to me. Or if it’s a trial, He wants to walk with me through it and I’m floundering all over the place trying to figure it out by myself.

That’s not how it’s supposed to be. It really, really does not work well.

Today, my heart rate has been all over the place and my breathing has been weird. Spiritual hangriness, rain, long thinking drives, and talking to God a lot.

He tapped my hands and lifted my chin.

He is so gentle. It brings me to tears.

He showed me I needed to let go of some things. I was confused for a few minutes, looked back for a moment, and let go.

And immediately afterwards?

Blessings and more peace than earlier.

He is always good. He knows better.

Open those hands.

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september 8th 

do emotions or logic make you tick? what do you first notice about people?


who or what do you first think about when you first open your eyes and take that conscious inhale in the morning? 

why do you stay up at night?

do you really believe that God has a plan laid out for you and you can’t mess it up? 

have you ever watched a plant grow and bear fruit and die and learned lessons from it?

have you ever sat under a tree and felt it’s comfort?

have you ever felt music while on a beach and you *desperately* wanted to run with complete abandon and dance, no matter who was there? did you regret later that you didn’t do it?

does a tomato smell red to you too? 

have you ever had so many thoughts and questions and FEELINGS and the desire to yell and also hide and shrink and grow and stomp in a dance and cry without caring, to go and run fast and dodge blows and feel adrenaline all AT ONCE rushing through your body so hard and overwhelmingly, that you simply sit there and listen to the person talking to you and shake? Or stare out the car window like nothing is actually happening?

do you like small talk or big talk? 

are you content with just feeling? or do you crave intensity? 

do you actually want to KNOW what people are thinking and how they process things and what their response is to different situations? what type of food they like? And why? 

what does their grandparents house smell like?

Mine smells like old wood and their laundry detergent and antique furniture and my grandpa’s hugs. 

how long can you spend with your grandparents before you get tired or they stop talking? 

did they pass down things to you? I inherited my grandpa’s love of writing (he was a Seattle Times reporter), my grandma’s love of gardening, good food, and collecting cardboard boxes so you have just the right box for whatever needs it. 

do you sit up late at night and look through your photo roll on your phone and relive every memory and choice there and come up with questions and curiosity?  

lately 

Life 
Goes 

On.
It’s been awhile since I was here last…What has been going on lately? My life has turned around in ways I didn’t expect a few months ago, but it is good and how life is. Sometimes you need a push to get onto the right track, and first you’re tripping, but  then you hit your stride and enjoy it after awhile. I got a pretty hefty shove, but those are needed sometimes, and I’m enjoying the challenges and stepping closer to God. 

     A piece of what’s been happening lately? Realizations, lessons, reminders, ponderings…

    • If you ask me what my favorite _____ is, I’ll probably tell you three or so favorites in that category that I have. I don’t have many things that are simply one specific favorite. I never realized that until this week. 

    • Headphones are amazing. I completely forgot about their existence, and how much more intense listening to music through them is. It’s glorious.

     • Pain will nudge you closer to God. Often times when I get comfortable in His blessings, and when life is going well, I forget that I’m puny and not in control at all in any way. Enter pain and reality checks, and switching the focus to where it’s supposed to be. I’m grateful God is patient and that He cares enough to give us opportunities to get our focus right again. 

    • You’re afraid of what you judge. 

     • Catering leftovers are still amazing, sunsets remind me of people in how they’re each different and beautiful in their own way, and manchengo cheese is thoughtful and has a beautiful texture. 

    • As Christians, we’re free from fear. We’re told not to worry, be anxious, or to fret, or to be concerned, or whatever other word you use in place of worrying. Literally told to NOT do that. To live in fear is a choice, and conveys that you don’t trust God. We. don’t. have. to. pick. up. fear. God is bigger. We can’t change anything, when it comes down to it, so why not trust and lift your face to God, rather than clenching your fists and fretting. Easier said than done, but I think worth working towards. 

    • Francis Chan. His words are a blessing. Go listen to some. The end. 

     • Gardening is amazing, satisfying, makes me think of long term planning AND short time planning, builds a surprising amount of muscle, discipline, management, nurturing… and you get food from it!! No downside. Go make yo’self a garden. It’s a metaphor of so many aspects of life. I love how often it’s in the Bible. 

    • You can have amazing gifts, but if you don’t use them, they’re useless. Hone your skills, improve, don’t be lackadaisical, keep growing. 

    • White tea is delicious. Pear flavored white tea is not, but pretty much any other flavor is. 

    • I haven’t been writing much at all this summer bc of distractions and not prioritizing it, so I’m rediscovering/creating my voice, and it’s squashed in between my factual writing style and my more whimsical poetic style, it’s like puberty for writing. Blarg. It’s humerous and odd and awkward,  but just a season, so it’s been cracking me up. 

    So there you go, my neglected followers, little random updates. 

-me 

10:47 9/18

L E A R N I N G

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it’s almost Autumn. The rains came back today, giving us more rain in a few hours than we’ve had in the past few months. Everything is more green but also dying at the same time.  I watched a sweet baby who pronounces my name “dracie”, and I love it, watching children can be really refreshing. A few trees are starting to change color and drop their leaves.  I’ve had a weird dread of this autumn since the first sunny days of the spring. Which was odd, because I normally like the changing seasons. I get the whole seasonal depression/vitamin D deficiency during the “cloudy” season here in WA, so maybe it’s that. It’s getting cold again too, and that’s never a thing I completely relish, as I’m almost always cold already.

L E A R N I N G

I hate seeing things die. Even if it’s needed and will be more beautiful later. In past years I’ve liked seeing the changes, but this year I’m really disliking it. Watching the trees change their colors and then drop their leaves, going to sleep. Retiring into the depths of their trunks and roots. I miss my trees. I miss the green. I miss the sunrays.

But it will all come again later. That much I’m certain, because we aren’t in Narnia. I’ll get to see the tree grow buds, unfurl them, watch the blossoms come out again, and that makes my heart happy.  Seasons are weird. They are strange. They aren’t all my most favorite. But they are necessary, and they have purpose.

L E A R N I N G

To hold my precious things with open hands, to hold them out to God and give them to Him, and trust that His plan is better than mine. Because it is! He is the creator of the universe who has intentionally created us down to the smallest detail, and who sees us. Who hears us. Who loves us so deeply. He isn’t angry at me, I don’t have to face His wrath. I haven’t figured out how to properly explain how my heart feels at that truth.

He has a purpose and a plan for everything in our lives, and I’m so grateful for that. Free falling to trust Him is easier if you’re keeping Him in your primary focus. He is wholly good.

L E A R N I N G

He is just. Growing up, I always took ‘just’ in the punishment sense, in that if you deserve to be punished, then you can bet you will be.  But it also means that when He makes promises to us, He’s going to carry out those promises. And you can completely count on it. He rewards, He makes promises to us, and we’re allowed to claim those promises and tell Him we’re looking for His rewards. He loves to reward, God is a generous God. It’s like giving a little kid who you love a present, and you get that really happy feeling at seeing their delight. I believe that’s how God may be. He wants us to want His gifts.

L E A R N I N G

Who I am, again. Finding Gracie. Grace. Elisabeth. Reading old journals and notebooks of mine. I hate cliches, unless I’ve had that moment where the cliche comes real to me.  I love sushi. I love hiking. I don’t like strong coffee. I love plants, notebooks, cozy blankets, watching stars and sunsets from mountains. I like mornings, I like late nights, I’m just not a “waking up” person.  I really don’t like arrogance in people. I really admire gratitude. I’m more like my dad than I realized I am, but still very much an INFP. I crave purpose and direction.

I love the color orange, and also blue. I will people watch whenever I can, and I’ll notice your eyes first, and then what your presence feels like. I collect different sized cardboard boxes so that I have just the right size for the purpose, apparently I inherited that habit from my grandma. I’m empathetic, it’s a blessing but also weird at times. I don’t really worry about what people think of me unless they’re a select few in my close circle, and even then I’m aware that people aren’t always going to get you, and it’s PERFECTLY ok if they don’t. You do you and listen to God. Put your focus in the right place. I love yoga, enjoy running if someone will force me to do it, and can now do three consecutive pull ups, which is three more than I could do last week.

I love growth. I admire trees a lot. I’m learning where God wants me to go in life.

He is good, so it is good, I’m not sure what I’m doing, but I’m content.

growing slowly

Wisdom and character and trees grow slowly. The tree, after being planted, does not immediately spring up to 40 feet and bear fruit and fulfill its purpose.

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No, it takes time. It goes through every different season; the cold ones, the warm ones, the pruning times, the fertilizing times, and through it all it grows little by little, year by year.

So also I think it is with wisdom. You go slowly and increase gradually. You can’t do everything at the same time in one moment. Change sometimes doesn’t happen immediately, sometimes you won’t even be able to see or measure the growth that’s happening. But it’s there, and someday you may look back at where you were years ago, and realize how much you’ve grown. Keep on keeping on.

conviction

Awhile ago I realized that I didn’t have any huge sin standing out to me in my life.

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Which, at first glance, may appear as a good thing. In reality, personally, it mean that I had become complacent in searching my heart to seeing what I had been doing and cultivating that would cause God grief. There was no growth.

There’s a verse about praying for God to reveal the secret sins one commits, (Psalm 19:12, “Who can know all of his errors? Cleanse me from secret faults.” my paraphrase.) that come to mind quite a bit during that period,

so I prayed about that.

And that week had the full extent of what a selfish human being I am shown to me, how unacceptable that is, and how great and undeserved God’s grace is. It’s a beautiful thing. I am so small and He is so B I G and great and wonderful.

I encourage you to ask that question of God, it’s quite eye opening.