I’m back

I have a tendency to be a bit of a perfectionist.

If my mom is reading this, she probably just laughed, because I am messy (although I like to view it as organized chaos; I know exactly where everything is!) yet I have my systems.

I think that there are different types of perfectionism, and mine is that often I’ll hold back if I feel I can’t do it just right and how I want it to be.  That has been affecting my writing a lot, and I need to stop and press through it anyways, and write the words to just get them out and in plain sight. In speech often times I’ll bumble and fumble my way along, painfully aware of how my words are stuttering or my brain decides it can’t remember words, and that has translated to my writing recently. I stopped writing, got discouraged and overwhelmed, could only see cliches, the wheels ground to a halt, and the oiled machine got rusted.

Yet I think I’m learning how to fix that; I need to write more. About whatever comes through, to just run with it and see what grows.  Practice.

So here I am saying to expect more posts, don’t expect perfection, and excuse my bumbles, because there will probably be many, but hopefully it will lead to growth. ❤

-grace

pillars and 2×4’s

Today, I have felt so burdened with a craving to read my Bible. Spiritual hangryness is a thing and it strikes hard. So I took all of my musings and thoughts and worries and found relief in these blessed pages. 

One thing that has been on my mind a lot recently, is the verse in Psalms 144:12, “that our daughters may be as pillars, sculptured in palace style.”

Wow. As a daughter, that is what I should be striving toward. To be a graceful pillar. Sounds odd at first, but when you think about it, the pillars (or corner pillars, as some versions read) are resonsible for holding up the building. And as a visible pillar, we are called to be a beautiful pillar. That is not to limit us to physical beauty, I believe, but to beauty of the heart and spirit. 

What does that mean? To be kind to siblings, to mindfully choose others ahead of ourselves, to watch our attitude and have sweet speech, to look out for others and help hold up and support the household, in whatever way you’re needed, and so forth. 

And man. Lately I’ve been more of a 2×4 than a palace pillar. Conviction stings. 

What I’ve been really realizing lately is how great of an impact one can have (and can only have) as an older sibling.  You really do set the tone for all of the younger kids, and whether they plan to or not, they’re going to take some walks in the footprints you left. You can set the tone of the whole house, you can lift people up or drag them down, you can leave a bad taste and memories in their mouth, or bring about sweet ones and laughter. You can make others stronger and encouraged, or bring them down under your foot and grind them til they feel useless. Which then causes walls to be build and good luck tearing those down. 

So today, let’s start being pillars and strong trees, holding up our families as only we can. 

march monday rambles

     A quiet day. Snuggly nanny baby, cheerful babbles and wobbly steps from her. The weather outside shifts from snow to rain to sunshine to wind and back again, March is copycatting February. 

     I sit and think about blessings. I have ginger tea and a napping baby, two notebooks and a healthy body. Wonderful smart parents and great siblings, I’ve learned so much from all of them. Socks and tulips, cheese from my favorite and the ability to directly talk to my God. Wow. 

I have the sweetest love I could ever ask for, an answer to many prayers I prayed and prayers I didn’t even think to pray, but God chose to bless silly me with him anyways. Life has always looked bright to me, but it’s even brighter now.

     It’s almost spring, my favorite time, the blood is beginning to stir, the trees are thinking about budding, life is coming back, and I am blessed, and I am grateful. 

my valentine 

Cinnamon-coffee eyes, strong safe arms that hold me tight, one of the hardest working people I know, mischievous smirks, so many smarts up in that head, such clever and gentle and strong hands. Not perfect, but perfect human people are a myth and intimidating, and he wouldn’t need me if so. This way I get to watch and help him grow. 
So grateful for my brown eyed love. 

My Person

February 2, 2017. 

Bible study, talking in the car. I loved his rich brown eyes and told him so. A sigh, eye contact, shaking hands. A declaration of love and interest. An answer.

 So. Much. Joy. 

Snowflakes started falling, an arm around me, bliss. 

My childhood friend and crush who I always thought I weirded out, is now my person. And it is the happiest things. 

more free thoughts

reading through journals and old poems and prose, realizing I haven’t written like that in a while, even though I want to. The best way to get back into it, I’ve found, is writing here. 

Writing out what comes to mind, then hitting Publish, the thoughts go official. 

Past words and remembers…

That night i danced alone until I tripped, 

my head, piano, and knee collided somehow,

Blood

curled on the floor for a few minutes holding my hair until the ache left, wondering how I managed to do that. 
Funny how you can miss and yearn for things you’ve never had, craving tastes yet to be savored… part of them earthly, but you can also feel and aches for Heaven. Where no longer we have the cursed version II, we’ll have the fully restored original, and it’ll be so beautiful. To feel you fit. To have your heart full. To talk with the Lord. 

Abba, keep my silly heart next to Yours. 

Honestly, there are words that I want to write, things that I want so much to say, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in this life it’s that the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. So I’ll wait a while longer, and soon I think I’ll speak. 

today 

today. I woke up with the dream that someone robbed my room and found $5,000 in it, and I was super confused and jealous cause where was that money hiding and why didn’t I find it first?! 

today. I talked to sweet people at the bakery, my third to last day there, pulled good shots of coffee, happy bakery smells. Took home many bagels, my family visited, and I forgot my bag there. 


today. I wrote letters, got a letter from a new little penpal, wrapped presents, thought about future things, talked to mother and my bestie. was reminded how much I love poetry, so pulled out some of my favorite old books. 

today. Is winter solstice. The shortest day of the year and one of my absolute favorites. It’s hopeful to me. beautiful sunset, shades of blue and foggy stars on the drive home. it’s almost time for December to be gone. 

childhood times (pt. 1)

Childhood memories (pt. 1)Talking to the ducks. Walking down the creek with Chasen. The neighbor kids telling horror stories about the rats that lived in the tunnel by the creek. Making bird nests in my tree out of mud. Picking blackberries. Sitting way up high on the garage shelves eating the seed corn out of the packets. Tea parties with daddy. Making soup with Chasen and putting the metal pot in the microwave…


Climbing my tree. Finding goose feathers at VBS and the Teacher’s telling me not to put them in my mouth. Eating blueberry flowers and daddy telling me not to or else there won’t be any blueberries. Playing in the hose. Watching Chasen jump across the roofs. Running through the neighbors yard. 

weekend wrap up

this week: well, these past two weeks, as been all about figuring out and getting into a routine. After all the Peru adventures, and figuring out at adjusting work schedules, it’s finally settling down. This week also had some adventures, seeing Dr. Strange and star/cloudgazing with a friend (highly recommend both of those things), cookie baking, election hassle, working, walks and runs with the brothers and family, it’s good to be home. Writing more, which is glorious, having your creativity live again is a great feeling. Lots of thinking and planning and wondering. And snuggles. Sooooooo many snuggles this week, it’s been happy. ❤

goals and to do’s:

-write every day. I’ve been lazy regarding my writing and I miss it.

-meals cooked; for the fam and also some cleaner ones for the clean eaters.

-go on more walks/run with all my siblings, or one on one time

-work! I’ve been bringing poetry prompts to the bakery and people are playing along, so that’s been fun to see.

-cook for Thanksgiving

-see my best friends when they’re all home!


on repeat: 

-forest by 21 pilots. because reasons.

-kitchen sink by 21 pilots. because more reasons, things don’t have the same meaning to everyone, it fascinates me.

a few favorites: 

-gingersnaps!

-quiet Sunday mornings.

-writing letters.

-filling up a notebook.

-southwest chicken poppers. would’ve never guessed that these things are so great…

-worship, in a dark room, with like minded people. fills one’s heart.

-sitting in the shower (the water was off, I just like the acoustics in there) with the ukelele, making things up and thinking.

-septum piercings…. recently I started liking these… maybe someday. 

quote:

It’s hard to stumble when you’re down on your knees. -unknown

I don’t know who wrote that lyric, but it’s been on my mind a lot. A lot of falling this week, and noticing the correlation with not praying as much as I had been.  That’s been one of the hard things about coming back from Peru, not falling back into old habits, but keeping the Peru learned habits going.

Anywho, there’s your update, happy friday. friends!

happy

A day full of helpfulness. Room cleaned and aired out. First yoga class in far too long. Wearing comfy and pretty clothes. 


Good books. Pretty views on one of my favorite drives. Grapefruit. Snuggling with my youngest sissy. Apple fritter. And the day ends talking with friends while snuggling said sleeping sissy, with piles and piles of blankets. 

It’s been a great day.