life goals

“what are your life goals?”

well, what’s actually going to last? what will carry over after death? what’s the best thing in the big picture? what goes beyond these few years I’ve been given here?

the only thing that carries over is how much you loved God and His people.

I want to get good at that.

I’m still figuring out what that looks like,

but that’s my goal.

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finding

who am i?

who am i?

who am i?

who am i?

question like a panic

sifting shifting sand

so many faces i could be

life is too short

how do i figure out which is

me?

oh.

it’s not about me.

it’s not about me.

it’s not about me.

it’s about You.

who are You?

You are indescribable

You are glorious

You are so grand and i am unable to pin you down or box you up with mere language.

i want to know You.

i want to breathe You.

i want to dance for You.

i want to live like You

love like You

drench myself in You

shine for You, in You, for You

i want to dive into You and learn as much as i can about every aspect

how do i become like You?

not through my meager footsteps, although You made them, and You help me walk.

You created me to worship You, in so many different ways, with all of my being; physical, spiritual, mental, for all of my days.

by You living in me and drawing me close to You

delight my heart with what delights Yours

show me things that are good, help me see.

I want more, i’m asking, knocking, seeking,

i know You see me.

thank you.

four letters

when I was younger

I thought, without realizing it,

that love was basically controlling, invasive, obsessive, fearful.

I would’ve never flat out used those words,

but I acted like that, and thought

that I had to know the person inside and out, and they likewise with me.

that we had to agree about everything and I had to mold myself to them to best help

when in reality, knowing who I am and standing in that is honesty and the best way to help.

I thought

unless we were talking all the time it wasn’t real, and I was scared they would leave

or

not like me for me.

so I hid myself.

but

there is no fear in real love.

I’m a little older, I’d like to think a little smarter

and the meaning of love has changed for me.

love feels like a sweater that you can wear comfortably,

it sees your tears and your quirks and your laughter, and loves.

it is a two way street, with reciprocity.

it doesn’t have to mean complete agreement; the differences often mean greater learning opportunities and adventures.

it is intimate,

and sometimes that grows slowly, like a tree.

it is calm but it can be intense, peacefulness does not mean a lack of depth or emotion.

it is butterflies but also assurance, not hiding yourself but stepping out in confidence,

clearing your throat with honesty.

it is sweet but wild,

playful but facing the battlefield shoulder to shoulder,

open between the two of you,

eyes fixed on Him.

that’s the phrase I keep on coming back to in all of my thoughts; if I want to be like Him,

love like Him,

serve like Him,

talk like Him,

have peace like Him,

help my darling like Him,

I have to keep my eyes on Him and see Him.

study Him, the way I study people.

not in the hope that once I’m “godly enough” He’ll give me my person, but just out of delight in Him.

and it’s amazing.

we can talk to the creator and epitome of Love.

social anxiety

social anxiety screeches loud

nervousness and confusion sit down to have drinks together

but

end up erratically tap dancing from

my heart to my brain.

on and on and on never stopping

noticing every little detail but skewing others’ social cues.

talk louder? good idea.

gesture expressively, giggle a ton?

man, you’re good at suggestions.

everyone is quiet and look awkward, sometimes making them laugh works.

wait, who is this?

why is she rambling?

why is she so loud?

why is her heart trembling and eyes never focusing?

why is her breath shallow and she’s startling easily and projecting larger and her pitch is higher and movements sharper and skin feeling like a cold wet towel?

self deprecating humor?

what happened to her nurturing?

her confidence?

her sarcasm?

her quiet eyes?

oh, hi social anxiety.

yay.

fight or flight, uncomfortable awkward “buddy” that doesn’t leave until resolution happens, releasing the steam that builds up internally until everything is darting around inside and not sitting still long enough to look at and categorize it.

bouncey balls in a high cycle washing machine.

ask Him to show you who you are, who He is.

bigger picture.

it all slows down, peace ascends, kicks anxiety out from behind the wheel

people pleasing never pays, embrace the unique mold He made just for you.

praise him. 💗

//

social anxiety is something that I have struggled with, but never fully identified, and also gave too much power.

i think most people think that when social anxiety is present, you get quiet, and that is true; a lot of people get cold and quiet.

but for me it was the opposite, I get louder and project more to try and cover up the awkwardness and nervousness I felt, and that’s not me.

however, you can overcome social anxiety. personally, that meant asking God to show me who He is, who I am, who He’s making me to be, is anxiety a part of me?

no, anxiety has no place in His creation, and He takes it away.

endings

isn’t it weird to think about death?

that one day your siblings and friends and parents and you won’t be here?

and they won’t just be across the country, on a trip for awhile,

they’ll be on the next and eternal chapter of this story.

someday i won’t be updating this blog anymore with my personal arrangement of these twenty six letters.

there are better things farther up and further in, and i’m excited and craving that future. but it’s still odd to think about, that we shall each someday leave these temple shells we’re in.

hosea

i stood, confused

staring at my hands,

looking up, wind blowing.

“Abba, you’ve given me a gift, but what am i supposed to do with it?

i can feel, you’ve given me access to the depth of emotions. i’m able to feel mine deeply, to pick up on other peoples emotions, to categorize and to empathize, to see hidden things, and also to set mine below others eyes.

you’ve given me eyes that get tear pricked easily, a hope in the heart, a brain that can sort out emotions to know what we’re feeling and where they should go.

you’ve given me creative outlets, nurturing outlets. dance, massage, writing, family, friends.

but who am i and what am i supposed to do with this?”

He led me “out into the wilderness to speak words of comfort”

where i thought i was alone, not knowing where to grow, He was there.

he whispers to me

my identity is not in me, in who i am, in what i can do, in my uniqueness, in competition, in emotion, in winning, in art.

those things can be taken away, i lean on them and they melt

i lean on Him and i’m made stronger through Him.

i’m to lift eyes up to Him when emotions are billowing. He’s given me fireproof gloves to handle feelings, both mine and others, showing me how to reshape them to look to Him,

this is who i am in Him, and He is growing me.

january/bits of february messy journal

little excerpt stories

1•4•18

1•7•18 – hebrews 12 v. 1: let go of every wound that has pierced us and the sin we so easily fall into.

v. 12: so be made strong even in your weakness by lifting up your tired hands in

prayer

and

worship.

and strengthen your weak knees

1•9•18- yesterday was Tom’s 18th birthday, and the day that I got the text that Hannah was in an accident and airlifted to Harborview.

1•10•18- she’s looking better than I expected, prayers everywhere. still odd and sad to see, yet I feel hopeful. emotional pillaring.

1•11•18- 2:21am

is this what anxiety is? if it is, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced it before. massage calms it down a bit. finding mental relief in physical action. too much heart noise. weird physical heart pain.

1•11•18- rooty tooty juicy and fruity

1•16•18- she twisted her hair into a bun all by herself!!

1•17•18- listen for God’s voice in everything that you do, everywhere you go; He’s the one who will keep you on track. don’t try to figure it all out on your own.

proverbs 3:5

1•18•18- weird marker pen, lots of mbti talk at the hospital

1•19•18- 3:24am

good talks, little smiles from her. JJ Heller.

1•22•18- walks and talks and honesty

1•23•18- things that should be more popular and widely incorporated than they are:

-honest compliments

-gracious honesty

1•23•18- thank You for teaching us what we need to learn at just the right time. thank You for creating us to be worshippers.

1•24•18- A MOMENT

dark purple/navy Monroe sky,

just worked on mr. plancich,

my heart wasn’t worried

my music was up loud and I could see stars.

it was good.

1•25•18- but we have this power in earthen vessels [us. So the credit can not be attributed to us at all. it’s all Him.], that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.

2 Corinthians 4:7

1•23•18- LOVE GIVEN OUT IS NEVER WASTED.

let go.

Eric just called me an odd bird a minute ago for writing in the dark. I said the sooner we establish that the better off we’ll be, and he laughed a little.

1•27•18- LITERALLY UNDONE

– Tom and meh

1•28•18- I wanna be every aesthetic.

1•31•18- He said, “would you?”

2•1•18- we die in order to live “Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living” -jim Elliot 2•2•18- the wind grabs smoke and whisks her all around 2•3•18- some flowers bloom slower than others

2•10•18- I’m scared to say anything now.

this physical husk I have

is just for a time.

those who have “died”

are in fact

more alive than I.

2•14•18- made a red velvet cake. discovered I’m allergic to red food coloring.

2•17•18- forever a fan of others drawing in my journal.

ask for hunger.

moody blue clouds with flirtatious pink billows in the sunset today.

2•18•18- funny how it all feels a life time ago.

the dark

so often we avoid talking about the dark,

we slap fluff over our fear and pretend that it isn’t there

but if you want to understand something, you have to look at it in it’s entirety,

you can’t just look at the parts you like,

at the parts that don’t scare you.

if fact, you should probably look harder at those parts that scare you,

because if you never square up to them, how will they ever be resolved?

there is still beauty in the sad

and hope in the dark.

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questions

a random thing I love is reading questions that people ask themselves on their blog, and seeing how they answer, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never done one of those here, but figured I might as well. why?

  1. because it makes me open up a bit, which isn’t bad.
  2. because some random reader might be curious and actually read all the answers.
  3. because I’m self-absorbed enough to know that my future self will probably read this blog in 15 years and be curious about what I thought about various things, and to see how I’ve grown/changed, or not.

1. full name. do you like it?

Elisabeth Grace Hacking.

Elisabeth: devoted to God. Grace: undeserved favor. both of those are things I want to become, goals for myself. Hacking: tons of pun opportunities. I do really like my name. I like the ‘s’ instead of the normal ‘z’ in Elisabeth, and both of my names provide plenty of nickname material, which I also love. nicknames are such a fun and personal thing to give and receive.

2. zodiac sign?

taurus. do I have a lot of stock and belief in zodiac signs? no, I do not.

3. three things I love?

my Savior. notebooks. creativity. there are so many things that I love besides those though.

4. what do I miss? do you miss someone?

I miss Heaven, although I’ve never been there. but I miss wholeness, though I’ve never fully experienced it. it’s weird. I’m looking forward to having that missing feeling filled. on another note, I miss summer. I love each season and the gifts they each bring, but I miss the sun and going barefoot all the time right now. and yes.

5. current relationship?

single. and really  enjoying it, which is something that my early teen years self wouldn’t have expected. God will bring the right person when it’s the right time, and there’s not much I can do to rush that or to stop that, so why not enjoy where I am fully instead of wishing life away? also, two broken people cannot complete each other in ways that we deeply crave, so I don’t think that relationship should be the one that I’m tunnel visioning on.

6. what color do I talk in?

I want to say blue. my mom says pink, and I could see that. and that it can range from a bright, bubbly, laughing blue, to a calming blue, to a deeper navy. my whole life is pretty drenched in blue.

7. do I like feeling tall?

yes. it took me a while. I’ve been really self conscious of my height (5’9″) for a long time, even though I’m at the short end of the tall girl spectrum. this past year has been a really good time of growth for that, and I’m embracing it and learning to love these tall perks. i wouldn’t change it if I could, all those years of not being ok with it aside, being shorter would just be strange.

8. when was the last time I hugged someone?

I don’t think I’ve hugged anyone today. if I haven’t, I hugged a bunch of people last night. I love hugs.

9. do I have any strange phobias?

craneflies are a special variety of demon. I’m sure of it. they’re basically flying spiders and I will leave a room because of them. spiders are fine. the dark is fine. small spaces are fine. roller coasters were less fine last time I went on one.  heights are pretty fine. craneflies are not fine.

10. do you easily accept compliments?

yes. not to be egotistical, and if there is any good or beauty in me, that is from or through Christ, so I can’t take credit for it. but I know that when people give compliments, they’re giving a gift, and I won’t turn down that gift and make them feel invalidated or unappreciated. kind words are always valued.

11. where is your favorite place to escape to?

my mind. to somewhere I can be alone and talk to God. one of my secret places, which I’m not going to say here, because then they wouldn’t be my secrets anymore. oregon is my go to though not secret adventure place, when I’m restless. I’m actually headed there later this month because of strong adventure cravings, and mayhaps I’ll blog when I’m there or when I get back.

12. how do you show someone you love them?

I think there are a lot of ways, one of the primary being I give them a lot of my time.

13. do you like ice in your drinks?

nooooo. it makes the drink diluted and that’s gross. occasionally I’ll have something with ice in it, but in that case I pretty much chug it before the ice gets to melt.

14. favorite scent?

currently have a few faves: anything citrusy, or cinnamon-clove-spicey. i love and crave the brightness and energy of citrus, and the depth and complexity of spice.

15. describe yourself in one word.

 paradox.

16. do you consider yourself a romantic?

ooooooohhhhh yes. I’m choosy about who I show that side to, but very much a romantic.

17. what is a weird habit you have?

I normally cannot eat the very last bite of dessert for the life of me. I get full when I look at it, and can’t bring myself to finish it off.  I’m not sure why. maybe bc if I don’t finish it I technically can’t say I ate a full pint of ice cream/cake/etc, so it’s a funky mental trick, but who knows. my siblings don’t mind polishing it off.

18. last song I listened to?

time for a change again by strahan

19. what gets you excited about life?

that I’m allowed to love and love and love people, and I get to learn to do that. that love is never wasted. that hope is a thing. that I can talk to God. that He saved me. that there are SO many amazing people and I can talk to them and learn from them and play with them. that I can continue learning for the rest of my life. that I can write! that the sun comes out. that Jesus has already won.

20. is it possible to lie without saying a word?

absolutely. sometimes silence is the greatest betrayal.

21. what does your joy look like today?

dancing in my barefeet on the back patio, feeling my spine bend. pulling myself up onto the woodshed to write down ideas for some things I thought up. talking with my littlest sissy. more running around outside. laughing, teasing, and being teased by mom. jumping all over the place in my room. (apparently I dance a lot when I’m alone)

22. if you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

gardening. dancing my own dance. climbing a tree. looking at plants and birds. making flower crowns. running through the little woods that we still have. petting animals.

23. (from the brother) what’s your favorite color? and what’s your deep, hipster reason behind that preference?

blue. it’s the color of my eyes, the ocean, mountains from far away, flowers, the sky. things I intensely love. it is a color with variety; it can be deep and pondering, navy and cobalt, or light and cheerful and soft and tender, forget me not and robins egg.it refreshes and calms and listens.

also orange, because it can be calming, or very much alive, and it is a color that is confident in itself. it invigorates and brings confidence.

24. what childish thing do you still enjoy?

um.

what childish thing do I NOT still enjoy?

I’ve kept my child’s heart. I love blanket forts, puddle jumping, standing in the rain, catching snowflakes on my tongue, sliding down the stairs, sledding, coloring, playing with play dough, basically playing any game with kids (I vowed when I was a tiny child to never become one of those grown ups who just sat and talked with other adults when I could be playing with the kids. As such, I dress accordingly.), food fights, seeing the happy, seeing the good in people, dancing around the kitchen, petting animals, playing in water, pretty much everything. although my taste in food has matured.

25. when did you last sing to yourself? to someone else?

to myself, earlier today. to someone else? I sang to a baby a few weeks ago. I sang with friends while in the hospital a week or so ago. I’m not entirely confident with my voice, but I really like singing with people.

26. have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? who?

as of yet, I relate to N.D. Wilson the most. he’s wittier than I am, but he and I both do a lot of stream of consciousness writing that eventually ties into making a point, and that has a lot of word pictures, without being especially angsty.

27. do you love easily?

oh yes. but also no.

28. three songs that you connect with right now?

  1. let it matter -johnnyswim

2. high – bo baskoro

3. you can’t take me- bryan adams

29. could you live as a hermit?

yep. I can be by myself pretty easily. is it good for me, and would it be a good idea? no. people are messy and hard sometimes, but worth it.

30. style?

of what?

clothing wise: it’s a hodge podge. generally just going for comfy and who I feel like that day, so it can range all over the place. I do and am capable of cleaning up well, but I dislike having to babysit my clothing, and like to be able to run or stretch or breathe or walk properly in whatever I’m in. not to say that I don’t appreciate other people dressing well – I see it as appealing and inspiring -it’s just not my preferred medium for personal expression in the same way it is for some of my friends. it’s funny to see how people view you by what you wear.

writing wise: what I want to be? I want it to flow, to be meaningful, to have honest and easily understood meanings with deeper metaphors that make you think. I want to be blunt like Hemingway but poetic like Hanson.  I want it to be raw and relatable, to be entirely my touch through these words, to encourage however I can, to show that you aren’t alone. I don’t want to be overly angsty or complicated, as I don’t think that’s my gifting, and my voice is softer than that. I’m still learning what I want to say in my voice and writing, making slow steps to where I want to be.

//

and there are 30 questions answered by yours truly.

courage and plunge

i love seeing what other people think. how other people think. what goes on in their brain. I’m learning what questions to ask, and I also pick up a lot from just watching. I love seeing people who aren’t scared to write or say what’s on their mind, who post what they want without wasting time wondering what people will think of them, who let their passionate, courageous, words flow out. I tend to keep my words inside when I’m not sure, but what if I just took the plunge more?

what if

instead of keeping all my colorful little rambling thoughts inside or in my notebook, I spread them out?

yes, they vary. sometimes super dramatic with a flow, sometimes I feel they’re rather bland,

but

I don’t know what will or won’t help someone else, and if I keep it all inside, it helps no one. also, expression is a good thing, and something I want to get better at. I need to stop comparing my work to others and build my own. I’ve got work to do.

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