more free thoughts

reading through journals and old poems and prose, realizing I haven’t written like that in a while, even though I want to. The best way to get back into it, I’ve found, is writing here. 

Writing out what comes to mind, then hitting Publish, the thoughts go official. 

Past words and remembers…

That night i danced alone until I tripped, 

my head, piano, and knee collided somehow,

Blood

curled on the floor for a few minutes holding my hair until the ache left, wondering how I managed to do that. 
Funny how you can miss and yearn for things you’ve never had, craving tastes yet to be savored… part of them earthly, but you can also feel and aches for Heaven. Where no longer we have the cursed version II, we’ll have the fully restored original, and it’ll be so beautiful. To feel you fit. To have your heart full. To talk with the Lord. 

Abba, keep my silly heart next to Yours. 

Honestly, there are words that I want to write, things that I want so much to say, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in this life it’s that the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. So I’ll wait a while longer, and soon I think I’ll speak. 

january things

well, it’s a new year, a new january, new things, and so far they’ve been pretty great.

These first few weeks have been full of new faces, learning new routines, aching wrists, earlyish mornings, yummy foods, adventures, late night talks, long walks, snapchat filters, laughs and after work cuddles, kombucha and kitchen floors, smelling like massage lotion and not being able to open things (thank you to my friends who open my grapefruits for me!), little sisters coming into my bed at 3 in the morning because they wanted to snuggle more, more Bible reading and getting into habits and routines that I’ve been working at.

I started two new jobs; one making use of my massage therapy license at a spa in Everett, and the second is nannying a sweet baby that’s a 90 second walk from my house. ūüôā

Those have both been great, it’s been fun to work in massage again, nurturing and relaxing people through touch, watching stressed faces melt into smiles… it’s always funny to me, because halfway through the massage I have people flip from their stomachs onto their back, and I see their faces, and they look like an entirely different person than when they first got on the table… it’s caused quite a few double takes on my part.

also nannying. it feels like playing house, which makes me think of childhood and also the future all at once…

the future has always been a little daunting to me. Exciting, but daunting. I was always the kid that never wanted to grow up (but also wanted to get married, so I’m not sure what I was thinking.), who swore to myself I was too scared of driving to learn (turns out I love driving) and Peter Pan was one of my heroes. Turn out, God knows best and I’ve learned that He stands behind me and holds my hands like I hold a toddlers hands when they learn to walk.

The future could be scary. I could fret about it. I could fret about my future love dying, last hugs. I could dwell on thinking that I’ll be the last to die out of my loved ones. I could fret about being alone. I could fret about my siblings getting hurt. I could worry about everyone’s emotional health. Or, I could pray about it. God is trustworthy and has a plan.

The future could be joyful. I could find my person and raise our family and have pancakes on Sunday mornings and look at the stars and have big tickle fights. I could have many roadtrips and adventures with friends. I could have nights with people I love spent sitting on the kitchen floor with the lights off, talking about life and family and many other random topics. I could have sweet snuggles with little loved ones. There are far too many happy things to look foward to, it’s not even worth fretting about the bad ‘could be’s’.

It’s been a season of happy hearts, and it’s only the beginning of the year.

 

today 

today. I woke up with the dream that someone robbed my room and found $5,000 in it, and I was super confused and jealous cause where was that money hiding and why didn’t I find it first?! 

today. I talked to sweet people at the bakery, my third to last day there, pulled good shots of coffee, happy bakery smells. Took home many bagels, my family visited, and I forgot my bag there. 


today. I wrote letters, got a letter from a new little penpal, wrapped presents, thought about future things, talked to mother and my bestie. was reminded how much I love poetry, so pulled out some of my favorite old books. 

today. Is winter solstice. The shortest day of the year and one of my absolute favorites. It’s hopeful to me. beautiful sunset, shades of blue and foggy stars on the drive home. it’s almost time for December to be gone. 

roaming thoughts

In my mind, can you find, meaning not meant to hide behind?

sometimes we hide behind words, to hide our thoughts, our feelings, our face.

I have three main faces, I think. My Elisabeth, My Gracie, and My Lizard.

My Elisabeth is the more refined, gentle listener,¬† thinks before acting, she’s the quiet one who is still and thoughtful on late nights. She is quiet with soft smiles and adults well and plans and organizes and thinks logically but feels deeply.

My Gracie is the child’s heart. She runs and sings and dances and randomly hugs and boops peoples noses and does tickle attacks and jumps right into things and feels bad when she hits two flutterbyes with her car. She has her own words for lots of things, pulls other people into her adventures, and loves the little happy moments in life, or making moments in life happy.

And then there is Lizard. A metaphor. And she is dark. We are not fond of her.

Because, normally Gracie is dominant, with Elisabeth shadowing, (although Elisabeth has been prevalent a lot recently), and there are frequent battles with Lizard.

What are things I have learned to love?

  • core workouts
  • winter
  • the color orange
  • my voice
  • green tea
  • discipline (still in progress, but I recognize and appreciate it)
  • mushrooms
  • abstract art
  • nail polish
  • boundaries
  • hidden lessons

\\ In This Moment //

I am feeling the chair underneath me, the keyboard resistance, the cold on the tips of my fingers and toes, still tasting the cranberry tea. I am hearing mama reading Sarah a story, the boys are gone and christmas duets are playing. Baby It’s Cold Outside is a really creepy song.

I am thinking about future things; I am almost 20, I am writing, I have a job at a spa. I may have a family and house of my own someday. Weird thought, as I’m here with my family here. But I may someday wake up in my own house with little children that I helped make and my Person and we’ll snuggle and make pancakes and drink tea and walk around in pajamas and we’ll teach them the stars and how to whistle with their hands and how to fill up notebooks and make gingersnaps. It’s a happy and crazy kinda thought.

I’m thinking of my Peru friends, what they may be doing right now, all those faces and people I prayed with and pray for, who prayed with and for me. They’re inspiring, I saw a lot of Jesus on that trip, and I miss them. I miss my kids in Tambo. Maybe someday I’ll see them again. I very much hope so.

Funny about traveling, I love it, but I also love home. I love the adventure and seeing new places and going out and about, but I also love having hidey holes and nooks near me that I can retreat to, to walk on my floors and sleep in my bed and be with familiar loved people. I think this is typical, but the thought came jut a second ago so I wrote it down so I can look at it.

these are words that I’m writing down as they come, just to see where my mind wanders when it has a keyboard and blank page to traipse about on, just to see how my thought patterns look on a limited dimension surface, because I need something different than normal right now. Welcome to the mind of an INFP, or what about three pages of one of my journals may look like. I’ll prolly delete it later.

childhood times (pt. 1)

Childhood memories (pt. 1)Talking to the ducks. Walking down the creek with Chasen. The neighbor kids telling horror stories about the rats that lived in the tunnel by the creek. Making bird nests in my tree out of mud. Picking blackberries. Sitting way up high on the garage shelves eating the seed corn out of the packets. Tea parties with daddy. Making soup with Chasen and putting the metal pot in the microwave…


Climbing my tree. Finding goose feathers at VBS and the Teacher’s telling me not to put them in my mouth. Eating blueberry flowers and daddy telling me not to or else there won’t be any blueberries. Playing in the hose. Watching Chasen jump across the roofs. Running through the neighbors yard. 

weekend wrap up

this week: well, these past two weeks, as been all about figuring out and getting into a routine. After all the Peru adventures, and figuring out at adjusting work schedules, it’s finally settling down. This week also had some adventures, seeing Dr. Strange and star/cloudgazing with a friend (highly recommend both of those things), cookie baking, election hassle, working, walks and runs with the brothers and family, it’s good to be home. Writing more, which is glorious, having your creativity live again is a great feeling. Lots of thinking and planning and wondering. And snuggles. Sooooooo many snuggles this week, it’s been happy. ‚̧

goals and to do’s:

-write every day. I’ve been lazy regarding my writing and I miss it.

-meals cooked; for the fam and also some cleaner ones for the clean eaters.

-go on more walks/run with all my siblings, or one on one time

-work! I’ve been bringing poetry prompts to the bakery and people are playing along, so that’s been fun to see.

-cook for Thanksgiving

-see my best friends when they’re all home!


on repeat: 

-forest by 21 pilots. because reasons.

-kitchen sink by 21 pilots. because more reasons, things don’t have the same meaning to everyone, it fascinates me.

a few favorites: 

-gingersnaps!

-quiet Sunday mornings.

-writing letters.

-filling up a notebook.

-southwest chicken poppers. would’ve never guessed that these things are so great…

-worship, in a dark room, with like minded people. fills one’s heart.

-sitting in the shower (the water was off, I just like the acoustics in there) with the ukelele, making things up and thinking.

-septum piercings…. recently I started liking these… maybe someday. 

quote:

It’s hard to stumble when you’re down on your knees. -unknown

I don’t know who wrote that lyric, but it’s been on my mind a lot. A lot of falling this week, and noticing the correlation with not praying as much as I had been.  That’s been one of the hard things about coming back from Peru, not falling back into old habits, but keeping the Peru learned habits going.

Anywho, there’s your update, happy friday. friends!

happy

A day full of helpfulness. Room cleaned and aired out. First yoga class in far too long. Wearing comfy and pretty clothes. 


Good books. Pretty views on one of my favorite drives. Grapefruit. Snuggling with my youngest sissy. Apple fritter. And the day ends talking with friends while snuggling said sleeping sissy, with piles and piles of blankets. 

It’s been a great day. 

nineteen and a half

nineteen and a half

Almost two decades old

almost at the age where I’ve always considered adulthood to start. 

I’m in my last six months of being a “teenager”….I’ve never been a 20 year old before, who knows what adventures it’ll bring. 


At nineteen and a half, 

I have been international. I have been on a missions trip. I am a licensed massage practitioner. I work at a bakery and know how to use an espresso machine. I have seen Crater Lake and Machu Picchu and Cannon Beach and Mt. Rushmore and mountains and rivers and valleys and trees and deserts. I have loved and been loved. I have sang lots, played many instruments, and have a notebook collection that is currently at 88 (I think). I have had many blogs, but this is the one that I’ve liked the most and has lasted. I’ve made friends, gotten closer, drifted away, rebuilt bridges or let them break down, some friends have become dearer to me than I ever thought they would. 

I have gotten to see and know my Savior more, and I am so grateful. He has so much love and it’s incredible to see it and have access to it.  

I have been a florist, a retail worker, a writer, a musician, a barista, camp staff, an actress and theater kid. 

So far these years has been great. I’ve learned lots, and hopefully will never stop learning. Grateful for this life. 

these faces

When I look at these faces, I see:

The little girl who started out shy, but who loved to be tickled and held and would tap my face softly and say little beep noises. 
I see the girl who wouldn’t talk much, but who would giggle and giggle when you snuggled her. 
I see the girl who was so confident and took care of the others and was a stickler for the rules, who wouldn’t ask for hugs but would never ever turn them down. 
I see the little boy who had such a joyful laugh, who would talk to me even though I didn’t understand, who would tease me until I came and caught and tickled him. 
I see the girl who I gave a bracelet kit to, and she assembled it and gave it to me to wear, and then walked with me and bore my fumbling Spanish to have a small conversation as we walked home. 
I see the girl who looooved to take pictures and show them to people, who would have me spin her around for hours if she could. 
I see the girl who loved to pinch my sides and make me squeak, who was not gentle, but that was because I don’t think she was shown how. Who was reserved and then laughed, who ran out on the last day and was concerned by my tears and tried to fix them with hugs. 
I see these dear little hearts many miles away from me. 

Peru- pt. 2

Along with the VBS’s, we worked on the church of the missionaries we were staying with and that our church supports. We cleaned, painted, swept, mopped, captured a baby tarantula (that we named Andrew. We weren’t allowed to bring him home. Wonder why…), built shelves and desks, reorganized the rooms and helped sort things, tried Peruvian snacks (fresh passionfruit is tasty and nicknamed “snotfruit” down there), did some maintenance work, and built some new bathrooms and did housework for some of the church members.


We prayed in this church, with our team and with the locals. Listening to passionate prayer in a language I don’t speak was a pretty incredible experience. You can feel the gratitude and longing even without understanding the words being said.


We worshiped in this church, learning familiar songs in an unfamiliar language, or singing while we worked.

We played with children in this church, whether during VBS, during church services, to keep the littles entertained while others worked on construction.

We laughed and ate meals and prayed and wept with each other in this church, and I am grateful to have gotten to be a part of it.


It’s funny, as we’d make plans, and then they’d completely change, and everyone would roll with it. You don’t find that in many teams, such flexibility, but we all kept it to some level, and I’m proud of them for it.

Along with the Tambo VBS, we had one in a sport court a few minutes walk from the church. We’d arrive and play music, and slowly children would trickle in, exchanging “buenas dias” with us. We’d do all the regular VBS activities, and play “Chapas” (tag), and some people would play soccer, and some would head over to the swings. They called us Tia or Tio, auntie or uncle, I was Tia Gracia.Still one of my favorites out of everything I’ve ever been called.


One of the kids in particular stuck out to me, Renzo. He was one of the giggliest, most talkative little children I’d ever met. He was one of the reasons I was most sad to not know the language. He look up at me, all aglow, and throw out some long thought, wait for me to nod in acknowledgement of hearing him, smile, and then either keep talking or turn back to listening to the VBS teacher. He would be shy for about 5 seconds at the beginning of each day, and then after that he’d be all about hugs and songs and games and talking. I miss him.

Along with all of our work and ministry things, we did get some exploring time in. We went and walked around Cusco a few times, and that’s a lovely city. Lots of cathedrals, and they are beautiful and hopeless. It’s neat, because the town and country where we were is very brown or tan, but people wear colorful clothing and have colorful textiles and paint and patterns, its a beautiful balance. We drank Peruvian coffee (it’s great, not too sweet)


We also did get to see Machu Picchu on our last day or so of being there! We hiked all around there, up to the Sun Gate (which some of us ran back down) and the Inca Bridge, saw many llamas, beautiful stonework, the Andes are mystic and inspiring.

Takeaways by then?

-The main one recorded in my journal at this time was the thought sparked by our leader’s teaching, that we are not to be quiet or stagnant in our growth or walk as a Christian. We are to share our faith, to spread the light, to be a river and not a reservoir. We have to either pick to live for God, or the world. You can’t be living fully for both, and lukewarm/mixed is not acceptable. Go full out or go home, it is a choice. One to be intentional about.


It’s been something I’ve been pondering lately. I knew when I started this trip that it would either be a one-time-good-experience-thing, or it would lead to more. So far I’m feeling that it may be the latter. But not sure yet. Lots to pray about.

-also, where our focus is to be. We are to set our minds on things above, not on earthly things. This verse helps me when I get too wrapped up in my limited perspective. Sure, I feel gross and dirty and my clothes do not match or look aesthetic and I’m worrying about that, but am I showing Christ’s love to others? Which one is going to last longer? Do the kids I’m playing with care? Do they see love through me? Am I really supposed to be worrying about what my peers think of me?  It’s kinda a trivial thing, and not saying that looks aren’t important, but as an example sometimes I get too wrapped up in the little things, verses having an eternal perspective.