roles

you are

a

leader.

red opinions and bold voice

classy lines, smirk, stiletto heels.

standing behind your beliefs unflinching and unapologetic, bringing your arguments and convincing, bold and beautiful, getting things done. completely capital.

passionate, abounding, paving new ways and being that voice, structure and day planners and math homework.

laughing with family, always having those words to say to others, deep eyes.

precise measurements, a glorious sunset that turns the sky red, bonfires raging, neon lights and lipstick stains.

and i admire you.

and

i

am

a healer.

green and feet down grounded

soft light eyes that see you and your emotions, helping you untangle the threads of what you’re feeling. strong arms, gentle hands, crying hugs, smoothing those physical and emotional knots with honesty and sensitive fingers.

i am

bare feet, watching a purple sunset from a tree, drinking tea on the counter, running through the woods, very mixed up playlists.

most comfortable when i’m around emotion, i don’t have enough words. quietly watching, yet ebullient, little bit of a paradox, huge fuzzy blankets and journals everywhere.

scattering ingredients for anything all over the place, but it connects back in the end because there’s a method to my madness and an order to my chaos, and i throw my pens and paper and paint and salt and flour and other components all over the place to make art while i make art.

i am flow of consciousness poetry and puns and open mouthed laughs, you are wit and argument and raised eyebrow sass.

i am citrus and cinnamon smells and pink words, and you are crimson and leather and pepper.

and you, intrigue me.

i’m glad we’re both on this earth with our differences.

11:57

soft glow

blankets everywhere

procrastinating on sleep

so instead

stretching out every muscle group that I knew how to, just for fun, for about an hour or so.

feeling muscles lengthen, realizing I just hit some goals and am farther along than I was a few days ago, listening to breathing, rain, and the dryer humming down the hall from me.

the human body is fascinating. I have seen and touched many, as a massage therapist, and they never fail to amaze me at how different and complex and beautiful and unique they all are.

working again has meant my “massage muscles” are coming back, my forearms and hand muscles are looking like how they used to, my “slug muscle” is slowly forming and building up once again.

stretching and watching your tendons shift, your muscles contract or relax, feeling all of the sensation, i don’t think it’ll ever fail to fascinate me.

God made us in His image. And we’re flawed here on earth. But these flawed creations are still so beautiful to me. I can’t wait to see what they’re like when we’re whole. 

september 8th

do emotions or logic make you tick? what do you first notice about people?

who or what do you first think about when you first open your eyes and take that conscious inhale in the morning? 

why do you stay up at night?

do you really believe that God has a plan laid out for you and you can’t mess it up? 

have you ever watched a plant grow and bear fruit and die and learned lessons from it?

have you ever sat under a tree and felt it’s comfort?

have you ever felt music while on a beach and you *desperately* wanted to run with complete abandon and dance, no matter who was there? did you regret later that you didn’t do it?

does a tomato smell red to you too? 

have you ever had so many thoughts and questions and FEELINGS and the desire to yell and also hide and shrink and grow and stomp in a dance and cry without caring, to go and run fast and dodge blows and feel adrenaline all AT ONCE rushing through your body so hard and overwhelmingly, that you simply sit there and listen to the person talking to you and shake? Or stare out the car window like nothing is actually happening?

do you like small talk or big talk? 

are you content with just feeling? or do you crave intensity? 

do you actually want to KNOW what people are thinking and how they process things and what their response is to different situations? what type of food they like? And why? 

what does their grandparents house smell like?

Mine smells like old wood and their laundry detergent and antique furniture and my grandpa’s hugs. 

how long can you spend with your grandparents before you get tired or they stop talking? 

did they pass down things to you? I inherited my grandpa’s love of writing (he was a Seattle Times reporter), my grandma’s love of gardening, good food, and collecting cardboard boxes so you have just the right box for whatever needs it. 

do you sit up late at night and look through your photo roll on your phone and relive every memory and choice there and come up with questions and curiosity?  

lately

Life 
Goes 

On.
It’s been awhile since I was here last…What has been going on lately? My life has turned around in ways I didn’t expect a few months ago, but it is good and how life is. Sometimes you need a push to get onto the right track, and first you’re tripping, but  then you hit your stride and enjoy it after awhile. I got a pretty hefty shove, but those are needed sometimes, and I’m enjoying the challenges and stepping closer to God. 

     A piece of what’s been happening lately? Realizations, lessons, reminders, ponderings…

    • If you ask me what my favorite _____ is, I’ll probably tell you three or so favorites in that category that I have. I don’t have many things that are simply one specific favorite. I never realized that until this week. 

    • Headphones are amazing. I completely forgot about their existence, and how much more intense listening to music through them is. It’s glorious.

     • Pain will nudge you closer to God. Often times when I get comfortable in His blessings, and when life is going well, I forget that I’m puny and not in control at all in any way. Enter pain and reality checks, and switching the focus to where it’s supposed to be. I’m grateful God is patient and that He cares enough to give us opportunities to get our focus right again. 

    • You’re afraid of what you judge. 

     • Catering leftovers are still amazing, sunsets remind me of people in how they’re each different and beautiful in their own way, and manchengo cheese is thoughtful and has a beautiful texture. 

    • As Christians, we’re free from fear. We’re told not to worry, be anxious, or to fret, or to be concerned, or whatever other word you use in place of worrying. Literally told to NOT do that. To live in fear is a choice, and conveys that you don’t trust God. We. don’t. have. to. pick. up. fear. God is bigger. We can’t change anything, when it comes down to it, so why not trust and lift your face to God, rather than clenching your fists and fretting. Easier said than done, but I think worth working towards. 

    • Francis Chan. His words are a blessing. Go listen to some. The end. 

     • Gardening is amazing, satisfying, makes me think of long term planning AND short time planning, builds a surprising amount of muscle, discipline, management, nurturing… and you get food from it!! No downside. Go make yo’self a garden. It’s a metaphor of so many aspects of life. I love how often it’s in the Bible. 

    • You can have amazing gifts, but if you don’t use them, they’re useless. Hone your skills, improve, don’t be lackadaisical, keep growing. 

    • White tea is delicious. Pear flavored white tea is not, but pretty much any other flavor is. 

    • I haven’t been writing much at all this summer bc of distractions and not prioritizing it, so I’m rediscovering/creating my voice, and it’s squashed in between my factual writing style and my more whimsical poetic style, it’s like puberty for writing. Blarg. It’s humerous and odd and awkward,  but just a season, so it’s been cracking me up. 

    So there you go, my neglected followers, little random updates. 

-me 

10:47 9/18

L E A R N I N G

it’s almost Autumn. The rains came back today, giving us more rain in a few hours than we’ve had in the past few months. Everything is more green but also dying at the same time.  I watched a sweet baby who pronounces my name “dracie”, and I love it, watching children can be really refreshing. A few trees are starting to change color and drop their leaves.  I’ve had a weird dread of this autumn since the first sunny days of the spring. Which was odd, because I normally like the changing seasons. I get the whole seasonal depression/vitamin D deficiency during the “cloudy” season here in WA, so maybe it’s that. It’s getting cold again too, and that’s never a thing I completely relish, as I’m almost always cold already.

L E A R N I N G

I hate seeing things die. Even if it’s needed and will be more beautiful later. In past years I’ve liked seeing the changes, but this year I’m really disliking it. Watching the trees change their colors and then drop their leaves, going to sleep. Retiring into the depths of their trunks and roots. I miss my trees. I miss the green. I miss the sunrays.

But it will all come again later. That much I’m certain, because we aren’t in Narnia. I’ll get to see the tree grow buds, unfurl them, watch the blossoms come out again, and that makes my heart happy.  Seasons are weird. They are strange. They aren’t all my most favorite. But they are necessary, and they have purpose.

L E A R N I N G

To hold my precious things with open hands, to hold them out to God and give them to Him, and trust that His plan is better than mine. Because it is! He is the creator of the universe who has intentionally created us down to the smallest detail, and who sees us. Who hears us. Who loves us so deeply. He isn’t angry at me, I don’t have to face His wrath. I haven’t figured out how to properly explain how my heart feels at that truth.

He has a purpose and a plan for everything in our lives, and I’m so grateful for that. Free falling to trust Him is easier if you’re keeping Him in your primary focus. He is wholly good.

L E A R N I N G

He is just. Growing up, I always took ‘just’ in the punishment sense, in that if you deserve to be punished, then you can bet you will be.  But it also means that when He makes promises to us, He’s going to carry out those promises. And you can completely count on it. He rewards, He makes promises to us, and we’re allowed to claim those promises and tell Him we’re looking for His rewards. He loves to reward, God is a generous God. It’s like giving a little kid who you love a present, and you get that really happy feeling at seeing their delight. I believe that’s how God may be. He wants us to want His gifts.

L E A R N I N G

Who I am, again. Finding Gracie. Grace. Elisabeth. Reading old journals and notebooks of mine. I hate cliches, unless I’ve had that moment where the cliche comes real to me.  I love sushi. I love hiking. I don’t like strong coffee. I love plants, notebooks, cozy blankets, watching stars and sunsets from mountains. I like mornings, I like late nights, I’m just not a “waking up” person.  I really don’t like arrogance in people. I really admire gratitude. I’m more like my dad than I realized I am, but still very much an INFP. I crave purpose and direction.

I love the color orange, and also blue. I will people watch whenever I can, and I’ll notice your eyes first, and then what your presence feels like. I collect different sized cardboard boxes so that I have just the right size for the purpose, apparently I inherited that habit from my grandma. I’m empathetic, it’s a blessing but also weird at times. I don’t really worry about what people think of me unless they’re a select few in my close circle, and even then I’m aware that people aren’t always going to get you, and it’s PERFECTLY ok if they don’t. You do you and listen to God. Put your focus in the right place. I love yoga, enjoy running if someone will force me to do it, and can now do three consecutive pull ups, which is three more than I could do last week.

I love growth. I admire trees a lot. I’m learning where God wants me to go in life.

He is good, so it is good, I’m not sure what I’m doing, but I’m content.

Peru- pt. 1

Yesterday I got home from Peru.

It feels super weird to write that….it actually happened. I was there and now am home. I’m so grateful to have been able to go on this trip, I learned a lot and saw a lot, prayed a lot and laughed and cried and talked and played and listened. I am thankful and my heart is full.

I’m trying to find words to put down so that I can share this with you, but there’s so much and proving to be more difficult than I had anticipated, so bear with me as I section it out.I don’t want to forget things, so some of these posts might be novels… consider yourself warned..

After over 14 hours of travel, we arrived in Cusco, Peru. The elevation there is over 11,000 feet, so when we got off the plane some of us felt like we had stepped off of a boat, the ground felt shaky. There were also lots of very chapped lips and headaches and nosebleeds over the first week or so as our bodies adjusted.

There was culture shock! Spanish was being spoken everywhere, the weather would change from thunderstorms to sunshine rapidly, there were very few trees (this PNWesterner was a bit taken aback by that), household habits were different… but it was all interesting and good.

We met our host and his family, the missionary and his family, learned about drinking coca tea for elevation sickness, and a while after went to the church for service. This was the church we would be working at for the time we were here, so it was fun to see, and I was surprised by the friendliness and joy of everyone there. In my journal it says that I had wished I studied Spanish more, and I had that thought quite often through the entire time.

Later we had the devotional and meeting for the night, talking about being purposeful and intentional. James 1 says to count it all joy WHEN we have various trials, not if. So when these trials come, let us be purposeful to rejoice. Let us have purposeful prayer. Let us examine these purposeful trials. Because honestly, God already knows what’s going to happen and has a plan. In every aspect.

The end.

There’s no need to fret about it, just listen to Him and see what He’s trying to teach you.

Afterwards we explored Cusco a bit, there are soooo many stairs, legs for days. We saw a beautiful cathedral, so much intricate artwork, but it’s so empty and hopeless at the same time.

The next morning was spent working at the church, cleaning and organizing, and we got quite a bit done, which felt great.

Afterwards we got into a bus and drove to where our first VBS location is in a village called Tambomachay (TAM-boe-ma-chai), just to see the work being done there and to meet any kids who were around. We prayed over the area, awkwardly hung around for a few minutes, made friends with a tethered lamb and dogs (that we apparently aren’t supposed to pet because of germs and such) then the kids started coming. We exchanged names in stumbling Spanish and they played hand clapping games, which some of us joined in on, which then led to us showing them Quack-Dilly-O-So, which then led to us all playing Duck Duck Goose, which here was called Pato Pato Oveja (Duck Duck Sheep). Not sure how we got sheep, but whatever works… When they got tired of that some of the girls were trying to talk to me, saying  what sounded like “chapas”, and eventually we figured out that meant tunnel tag, so we played that for a good long time. Funny how much you can communicate even with a language barrier. I showed them how to make birdcalls with your hands, tried to talk a little with my meager spanish vocab, and they giggled at it quite a bit.

We were with this group of kids for 4 days, and they were the ones that were hardest for me to leave. They were so hungry for hugs, touch, love, to be listened to. We had tickle parties and snuggle piles and big hugs and they’d all pile into my lap or hold onto my back or arms so I could swing them around, they’d tap on my face and make funny noises and braid my hair and sit on my feet and hold my hand and show me things they found. So much laughter and love for and with them. Later in the week we’d do crafts and sing and dance with them, I learned quite a few more words through asking them (“que es…?”) and they’d laugh when I mispronounced it, and tell me the right pronunciation. I showed them how to blow kisses and they showed me hand clapping games.

It hit me how big God’s love is with them.

He loves me at home in Washington, and everyone there. Then I travel down thousands of miles to Peru, and still He loves me and everyone else there as well. And all the people that are in the surrounding countries, continents, the entire world.

He loves each one of us infinitely and perfectly, and there are so many people… That is so much love. It blew my mind. And with that thought, we are to love people as well. And how are we to love them? The goal is to love through His love, in agape. And what does that look like? That’s going to be a future post here…

The largest thing that frustrated me was that I didn’t know Spanish (which was my fault) , so I couldn’t directly talk with them. We had translators, and they were a HUGE blessing and I was so grateful for them, but when you talk with a kid it’s best if you can talk directly to them, having a middle man changes things. There were tears at the final goodbye, and maybe someday I’ll come back and have learned the language and will be able to talk with them.

The takeaways that I had by day two of the trip were:

-God’s love is huge, I had felt a part of it, and I wanted to share it.

-prayer is so so powerful and so underutilized.

-I take so much for granted. Pretty much everything. It makes one grateful.

-I am not to show partiality in anything I do or to anyone I interact with. This came from a devotional led by a teammate, and sparked a lot of thought. Anything I do I should be doing as to the Lord, whether the job is large or small, gets noticed and recognition or not, whether the person is rich or poor, friendly or intimidating. I am not the one who is supposed to judge. That’s God’s job. I’m just a hand.

Thus ends part 1 of the Peru adventure, more to come later.

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more new roads

Two weeks ago, we sat in a movie theater parking lot at 2 in the morning and threw out an idea for a road trip. Two weeks later, we made this wonderful idea happen. We traveled from Marysville, WA all the way down to Crater Lake, Oregon.This was the first road trip we had ever all taken together, out of state, and without the rest of our families. Such excitement.

We crossed bridges, looked at fog, doodled on paper and skin, got coffee and looked at art shops, got soaking wet on a foggy beach.

We found jellyfish drying on the beach (i refrained from touching the mesmerizing globs),I skipped and ran around because the ocean is a beautiful thing and i’m young and alive and for once didn’t get that cold, and a friend adventured with me and made sure I didn’t accidentally die or get swept away.The others held the valuables and got drenched and laughed and wrote in the sand and we walked the wrong way up a stream and jumped over the waves. We wrung salt water out of our socks and poured coffee onto our faces instead of our mouths because the cold numbed our face and hands.

We snuggled up in blankets and drove to the sunshine, booping noses (that kept on happening through the whole two days), taking turns napping and exploring each others music tastes.

We pitched our camp and looked at views off the side of the road (and a llama in a parking lot. I wanted to pet it, but alas, not that day.) Inside jokes were formed, we explored crater lake in the dark (couldn’t see the view, but we could feel it), took personality tests and discussed those, laughed at weirdly named streets, and made a campfire. Later we went out to the stars and there were so. many. My mind was blown a little bit, and we were all giddy and overwhelmed. Stargazing is funny; one moment everyone is completely serious and talking about life and struggles and God and eternity and physics, and the next everyone is madly giggling and mispronouncing words or sleeping.

The next morning was lazy, a yummy breakfast, I journaled, we talked over shared teabags and coffee and looked at the wasps that had found us and a friendly chipmunk.

After the food, we packed up and drove to Crater Lake, and this time there was light so we could see the view, and it was so lovely. I love that God is an artist and also lets us see His work.

Funky colored lichens… 🙂

After thoroughly touring the lake, we drove home. A long ride, but those are my favorites. I’ve always gotten a little sad whenever we reach destinations, because there’s something special about sitting in a metal wheeled box with people for hours at a time, exploring new (or familiar) places and sights and foods and other sensory things. I’d try to describe the ride home more, but it was giggles and sneaking pictures and naps and heads out the window and tickle wars (which resulted in squeaking) and shoulder rubs and listening to new music (I heard Bohemian Rhapsody for the first time) and jeep-beeping, and thinking about it all my heart gets full. Saying goodbye and dropping everyone off was hard, but I’m grateful to have people so great that make good byes so sad.

Photo credit to who it’s due, and I’m not exactly sure who’s is who’s. 

to ground

I hate falling.
From a cliff.
In my dreams.
At the fair.
Into sin.
To uncertainty.
I love feeling solid structure beneath me, whether a physical or emotional assurance. Grounded. Secure. Why I have such an abhorrence I’m not sure, maybe subconscious remembers reaching for a lying branch, falling far, waking up bruised and hanging by my knees who knows how much later. Or maybe it remembers the dirty feeling of falling morally, of missing the mark. That isn’t a bad fear, per se, I should strive to stay strong. It’s the fear that I have of myself (in a sense) that is wrong.
But such is life as a flawed being, falling (whether physically or otherwise) so what should I do with this fear?
I can either dwell in it, entangling myself until I’m a hyperventilating paralyzed mess, a rabbit with wide eyes afraid to move.
Or, I can find my grounding. I can sink my heels deep into my Savior and know that He’s got this. I can cling to His mane when the fears come running toward me, and know that His net is close below when I fall.
He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own. There is no reason for me to replay these fears.

open hands

 A girl once was troubled, for she held things too tight,

Day in and day out a battle she’d fight.

Clinging to poison she thought would bring joy,

Not realizing eventually it her would destroy.

‘Til one day she tired and released her tight hold,

Her neck she hung, her tears they flowed

Her knuckles grew straight and her heart lost its load.

She strove to stay soft, but her stiffness would return

(You’d think that by now this girl would have learned)

Her fears kept crawling back, grabbing her throat

The things she would lose! On her skin this they wrote:

“You can’t trust Him! He takes all away!

What even for? Clench your hands! He won’t say!”

But the girl had learned, at least this one thing;

When your heart’s filled with Him, only then can it sing.

The sadness was there, but He lifted her up,

He replaces those things she was scared to forget,

His hands quiet her fears, He drank her poison cup.

Her hands too grow soft, unclench, and tears flow

Misty eyes meet His gaze, He loves me?

Tis so.

-e.g.h

delayed apologies…

Dear friends,

I am so sorry for the abrupt break I’ve taken in my postings! My life just got too busy and I was having a hard time with my grades, school, work, family, and blogging, so blogging got dropped for awhile so I can function in these other places.  I don’t anticipate being able to write these Lent postings daily, but I’ll check in once a week at the very least.

Life has been great but busy this past week! I’ve been having great success in praying mindfully and giving up a bad habit, which feels good. I also feel quite more content, have gotten better at massage, can do yoga poses that I wasn’t able to before, or I’ve progressed in them, which is super happy for me. 🙂 I completely cleaned out my room (and got rid of THREE black garbage bags worth of stuff out of there!), went to Pike Place market (I’m planning a post on that), have read books, done homework, done a little bit of creative writing, and have had quite a few good talks with my family or friends.

I’m completely blown away with how many blessings  I’ve been given and resources I have available. So so thankful.

It’s been sinking in what’s happening in my life. I’ll (Lord willing) be a Licensed Massage Practitioner at age 19, working in a paid internship for one of the most knowledgeable LMP’s I know. Hopefully this week I’ll be getting a blog going for all of my massage happenings, I’ll keep all of you updated once I do.

Just filled with happiness and hope and gratefulness tonight.

Love,

me