entirety

do you ever suddenly realize that you’ve let so many things and other people and emotions that aren’t yours and strange thoughts into your life that you don’t know who you are?

that you’ve become this shell just looking for approval in instagram likes, in being so inspired by someone else that you realize you’ve been trying to be them? that doesn’t work very well. it’s ok to be inspired, to try on a style and keep whatcha like, but take off the parts that aren’t you and put them back. let your own self reign free. we need all of these voices. we need all these words.

we need all these viewpoints. we need the quiet ones and the loud ones. we need the quirky ones, the thoughtful ones, the sarcastic ones, the snarky ones, the math lovers and word weavers, the nerds, the geeks, the ones that hug everyone and the ones that wouldn’t touch you with a pole. we need the tough love and the empathetic huggers, the complex people (what. we’re all complex in our own ways) and the ones that can take complication and reduce it down to simplicity to understand.

we need you. we need all of it. we were made to function as a body.

i love love love people. i love seeing how they tick. how they work. what they talk about. what they take pictures of. what makes them cry. what type of humor they have. what they dream about. what type of compliments make them look down because it means a lot to them. if i know you, i’ve probably studied you. you’ve probably fascinated me and i’ve studied you, and have a mental notebook where i put information about you in, and it intrigues me.

that being said, let you be you. even if you’re the only one that looks like you. which is lonely. i get it. especially if you feel like you don’t *quite* fit anywhere, keep wandering, love. you’ll find your nest, or you’ll learn to keep pitching your tent and enjoying all the different scenery you’ll see.

you know what I wanna see? especially lately? something that’s been literally burning in that four chambered pump in my chest and i can physically feel it? i actually can’t tell you it now, i’m still praying about it, but if it becomes reality, i’m elated to have the possibility of sharing it with you someday.

blessings,

me

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here

in this moment

here

i have currently done more work on this blog than I have in months.

i’m very thoroughly inspired right now.

sprawled onto our sinking carpet, fireplace dying down, i love embers so much. hozier is singing on my phone, i’ve consumed a lot of tea. i’ve laid down hopes that i had been holding for a while, and that’s freeing. i have a really hard time dropping hope. i’m good at hope. but sometimes you have to let hope die, and that’s what i hate. i want to hope, crave hope, hope is always there, so why shouldn’t i hold onto it?

but sometimes God shows me that this hope is too heavy for me right now, that it’s not something i should be carrying. it’s not for me.

and honestly, i struggle a bit.

i want to hope.

want to dream.

but

He knows better than I do. He knows what’s best, and i trust. Your will be done.

comparison is a killer.

sometimes i worry.

worry that my writing is not as profound, as weird, as inspiring, as raw, as deep, as truthful, as dark, as hopeful, as living, as clever, as someone else’s writing. i get intimidated.

i hate that i do, but i crave approval. i less hate that i crave being different, i crave to touch people. i want to write words that hit you in the heart and have an impact.

a verbal maul that will strike you, and plant a seed to grow, however it need to and in whichever direction it should.

the struggle emerges when i read other people’s writing, and start comparing my words to theirs. which is silly! everyone has their own voice, and i will be the first to say that that is a beautiful, wonderful thing, and that you should use your voice, no matter what others say or look like!

no one else has my voice, i don’t have anyone else’s voice.

i personally believe that all flowers are beautiful. and some flowers bloom slower than others. pretty much all of them are different, and all of them are so lovely in their own way. it’s ok to bloom later than others. it’s ok to bloom faster than other people.

take your time, grow how you need to grow.

perfection is overrated, let it go.

free your voice,

look at Him and speak.

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the dark

so often we avoid talking about the dark,

we slap fluff over our fear and pretend that it isn’t there

but if you want to understand something, you have to look at it in it’s entirety,

you can’t just look at the parts you like,

at the parts that don’t scare you.

if fact, you should probably look harder at those parts that scare you,

because if you never square up to them, how will they ever be resolved?

there is still beauty in the sad

and hope in the dark.

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questions

a random thing I love is reading questions that people ask themselves on their blog, and seeing how they answer, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never done one of those here, but figured I might as well. why?

  1. because it makes me open up a bit, which isn’t bad.
  2. because some random reader might be curious and actually read all the answers.
  3. because I’m self-absorbed enough to know that my future self will probably read this blog in 15 years and be curious about what I thought about various things, and to see how I’ve grown/changed, or not.

1. full name. do you like it?

Elisabeth Grace Hacking.

Elisabeth: devoted to God. Grace: undeserved favor. both of those are things I want to become, goals for myself. Hacking: tons of pun opportunities. I do really like my name. I like the ‘s’ instead of the normal ‘z’ in Elisabeth, and both of my names provide plenty of nickname material, which I also love. nicknames are such a fun and personal thing to give and receive.

2. zodiac sign?

taurus. do I have a lot of stock and belief in zodiac signs? no, I do not.

3. three things I love?

my Savior. notebooks. creativity. there are so many things that I love besides those though.

4. what do I miss? do you miss someone?

I miss Heaven, although I’ve never been there. but I miss wholeness, though I’ve never fully experienced it. it’s weird. I’m looking forward to having that missing feeling filled. on another note, I miss summer. I love each season and the gifts they each bring, but I miss the sun and going barefoot all the time right now. and yes.

5. current relationship?

single. and really  enjoying it, which is something that my early teen years self wouldn’t have expected. God will bring the right person when it’s the right time, and there’s not much I can do to rush that or to stop that, so why not enjoy where I am fully instead of wishing life away? also, two broken people cannot complete each other in ways that we deeply crave, so I don’t think that relationship should be the one that I’m tunnel visioning on.

6. what color do I talk in?

I want to say blue. my mom says pink, and I could see that. and that it can range from a bright, bubbly, laughing blue, to a calming blue, to a deeper navy. my whole life is pretty drenched in blue.

7. do I like feeling tall?

yes. it took me a while. I’ve been really self conscious of my height (5’9″) for a long time, even though I’m at the short end of the tall girl spectrum. this past year has been a really good time of growth for that, and I’m embracing it and learning to love these tall perks. i wouldn’t change it if I could, all those years of not being ok with it aside, being shorter would just be strange.

8. when was the last time I hugged someone?

I don’t think I’ve hugged anyone today. if I haven’t, I hugged a bunch of people last night. I love hugs.

9. do I have any strange phobias?

craneflies are a special variety of demon. I’m sure of it. they’re basically flying spiders and I will leave a room because of them. spiders are fine. the dark is fine. small spaces are fine. roller coasters were less fine last time I went on one.  heights are pretty fine. craneflies are not fine.

10. do you easily accept compliments?

yes. not to be egotistical, and if there is any good or beauty in me, that is from or through Christ, so I can’t take credit for it. but I know that when people give compliments, they’re giving a gift, and I won’t turn down that gift and make them feel invalidated or unappreciated. kind words are always valued.

11. where is your favorite place to escape to?

my mind. to somewhere I can be alone and talk to God. one of my secret places, which I’m not going to say here, because then they wouldn’t be my secrets anymore. oregon is my go to though not secret adventure place, when I’m restless. I’m actually headed there later this month because of strong adventure cravings, and mayhaps I’ll blog when I’m there or when I get back.

12. how do you show someone you love them?

I think there are a lot of ways, one of the primary being I give them a lot of my time.

13. do you like ice in your drinks?

nooooo. it makes the drink diluted and that’s gross. occasionally I’ll have something with ice in it, but in that case I pretty much chug it before the ice gets to melt.

14. favorite scent?

currently have a few faves: anything citrusy, or cinnamon-clove-spicey. i love and crave the brightness and energy of citrus, and the depth and complexity of spice.

15. describe yourself in one word.

 paradox.

16. do you consider yourself a romantic?

ooooooohhhhh yes. I’m choosy about who I show that side to, but very much a romantic.

17. what is a weird habit you have?

I normally cannot eat the very last bite of dessert for the life of me. I get full when I look at it, and can’t bring myself to finish it off.  I’m not sure why. maybe bc if I don’t finish it I technically can’t say I ate a full pint of ice cream/cake/etc, so it’s a funky mental trick, but who knows. my siblings don’t mind polishing it off.

18. last song I listened to?

time for a change again by strahan

19. what gets you excited about life?

that I’m allowed to love and love and love people, and I get to learn to do that. that love is never wasted. that hope is a thing. that I can talk to God. that He saved me. that there are SO many amazing people and I can talk to them and learn from them and play with them. that I can continue learning for the rest of my life. that I can write! that the sun comes out. that Jesus has already won.

20. is it possible to lie without saying a word?

absolutely. sometimes silence is the greatest betrayal.

21. what does your joy look like today?

dancing in my barefeet on the back patio, feeling my spine bend. pulling myself up onto the woodshed to write down ideas for some things I thought up. talking with my littlest sissy. more running around outside. laughing, teasing, and being teased by mom. jumping all over the place in my room. (apparently I dance a lot when I’m alone)

22. if you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

gardening. dancing my own dance. climbing a tree. looking at plants and birds. making flower crowns. running through the little woods that we still have. petting animals.

23. (from the brother) what’s your favorite color? and what’s your deep, hipster reason behind that preference?

blue. it’s the color of my eyes, the ocean, mountains from far away, flowers, the sky. things I intensely love. it is a color with variety; it can be deep and pondering, navy and cobalt, or light and cheerful and soft and tender, forget me not and robins egg.it refreshes and calms and listens.

also orange, because it can be calming, or very much alive, and it is a color that is confident in itself. it invigorates and brings confidence.

24. what childish thing do you still enjoy?

um.

what childish thing do I NOT still enjoy?

I’ve kept my child’s heart. I love blanket forts, puddle jumping, standing in the rain, catching snowflakes on my tongue, sliding down the stairs, sledding, coloring, playing with play dough, basically playing any game with kids (I vowed when I was a tiny child to never become one of those grown ups who just sat and talked with other adults when I could be playing with the kids. As such, I dress accordingly.), food fights, seeing the happy, seeing the good in people, dancing around the kitchen, petting animals, playing in water, pretty much everything. although my taste in food has matured.

25. when did you last sing to yourself? to someone else?

to myself, earlier today. to someone else? I sang to a baby a few weeks ago. I sang with friends while in the hospital a week or so ago. I’m not entirely confident with my voice, but I really like singing with people.

26. have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? who?

as of yet, I relate to N.D. Wilson the most. he’s wittier than I am, but he and I both do a lot of stream of consciousness writing that eventually ties into making a point, and that has a lot of word pictures, without being especially angsty.

27. do you love easily?

oh yes. but also no.

28. three songs that you connect with right now?

  1. let it matter -johnnyswim

2. high – bo baskoro

3. you can’t take me- bryan adams

29. could you live as a hermit?

yep. I can be by myself pretty easily. is it good for me, and would it be a good idea? no. people are messy and hard sometimes, but worth it.

30. style?

of what?

clothing wise: it’s a hodge podge. generally just going for comfy and who I feel like that day, so it can range all over the place. I do and am capable of cleaning up well, but I dislike having to babysit my clothing, and like to be able to run or stretch or breathe or walk properly in whatever I’m in. not to say that I don’t appreciate other people dressing well – I see it as appealing and inspiring -it’s just not my preferred medium for personal expression in the same way it is for some of my friends. it’s funny to see how people view you by what you wear.

writing wise: what I want to be? I want it to flow, to be meaningful, to have honest and easily understood meanings with deeper metaphors that make you think. I want to be blunt like Hemingway but poetic like Hanson.  I want it to be raw and relatable, to be entirely my touch through these words, to encourage however I can, to show that you aren’t alone. I don’t want to be overly angsty or complicated, as I don’t think that’s my gifting, and my voice is softer than that. I’m still learning what I want to say in my voice and writing, making slow steps to where I want to be.

//

and there are 30 questions answered by yours truly.

courage and plunge

i love seeing what other people think. how other people think. what goes on in their brain. I’m learning what questions to ask, and I also pick up a lot from just watching. I love seeing people who aren’t scared to write or say what’s on their mind, who post what they want without wasting time wondering what people will think of them, who let their passionate, courageous, words flow out. I tend to keep my words inside when I’m not sure, but what if I just took the plunge more?

what if

instead of keeping all my colorful little rambling thoughts inside or in my notebook, I spread them out?

yes, they vary. sometimes super dramatic with a flow, sometimes I feel they’re rather bland,

but

I don’t know what will or won’t help someone else, and if I keep it all inside, it helps no one. also, expression is a good thing, and something I want to get better at. I need to stop comparing my work to others and build my own. I’ve got work to do.

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emotion

it’s weird when you feel
and you want to reveal
the emotions and thoughts
that your cranium has caught
yet the same time you desire to share
your heart is too shy and people prolly don’t care,
so you keep them deep down
where no one can see
and you’re safe from the hurt
but are you actually free?
the ocean of emotion is a wall
lap lap lapping
each wave a maul
that hammers against my heart and my skin
physically relentless to the outside in.
don’t wanna be dramatic
draw attention to yourself
like an emotion high addict
the ocean is a tornado now
scooping things up
BUT it’s not a drug it comes naturally
these feelings live inside of me
and they’re changing
crazy hurricane ranging
in ways that give me whiplash
that emotion, nope, this, that again?
holy smokes
feel the ache
I didn’t know
my soul could break
but through the pain
there is elation
sometimes the storm
is just creation
silver linings
ever there
lifted hands
hope and prayer.
thunder and lightning
conflicted sunny days fight inside me
but I just smile
and my soft eyes hide me.

//

I wrote this awhile ago as part of emotional processing, getting some things that I struggle with down on paper. And to be honest, I was really hesitant and nervous to post it. I almost didn’t. But once I did, I had quite a few people either comment on it or message me, thanking me for sharing it, and the kicker was that a few of those people were people who I looked up to in the writing/art department.

The flow is a bit rough in places, but that’s how emotions are too, so I don’t mind.

It’s ok to feel . It’s ok to feel intensely. It’s ok to share those feelings. It’s also ok to just keep them inside yourself and not let people see them, just make sure that you aren’t letting them fester and hurt you.

I have a tendency to keep everything inside and cover it up to not show others. Which isn’t bad in itself, I don’t feel like I’m being dishonest when I’m doing so because somethings are just for me to process,  but sometimes you do need to speak and let those words out. Conflict is growth in disguise sometimes.

skate fairy

my heart aches tonight.

there is so much pain.

of the emotional type that makes your chest hurt, of the worrying type, of the physical car crash remainder type that I can’t even imagine feeling, of the tired bleary eyes, of the worn out feeling heart.

and my heart aches for that.

but

we have a God that we can fully lean into, we have the hope that He will restore what has been broken and bruised, we can see the improvement from a week ago to now, and it is pretty significant! we know that He wipes away all tears and stands close to the broken hearted, that He comforts and knits up, brings rest to the weary, that He knows exactly what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen, and He is carrying it out even now. we know that He is not the God of worry, anxiety, and chaos, but the Shepherd who brings rest and cool water, who we can fully collapse into. He makes promises, and we can claim them.

He is so so so good, and so so gentle, little pieces of the story keep trickling in and the amazing way that God protected and watched over my friend makes me cry.

there are prayers going up all over the world for the life and recovery of this dear friend, and for her brave, steadfast family and friends standing along with her.

her name is Hannah, she was in a car accident a week ago, she is recovering slowly, and please join us in prayer.

Thank you. 🧡

#skatefairystrong

open hands

over and over and over again

God will tap my hands, so gently,

lift my chin to look up at Him from whereever I’ve been gazing off to,

and show me that I’m gripping something too tightly.

literally

I hold my pen in a death grip, I tense up when I’m working on other people, forgetting to breathe unless I consciously tell myself to let go and let my shoulders drop. to inhale. exhale. let my hands soften.

I tend to operate in the ‘fight or flight’ mode more than I’d like to admit,

outwardly looking calm and grounded, possibly being quirky or amusing,

inwardly heart and head kicking me faster and faster, but giving me fast reflexes so hey.

metaphorically

I enjoy change. I like different things, plus change is a consistent thing and helps with growth. But sometimes God will give me something or point me in a certain direction, and instead of holding His hand or putting my head on His shoulder and letting Him bring me there in His time,

I get my little tunnel vision glasses on, lean forward, and speed walk in the direction all by my own self, where I try to wrap myself around that thing and forget to look at God, who gave that good thing to me. Or if it’s a trial, He wants to walk with me through it and I’m floundering all over the place trying to figure it out by myself.

That’s not how it’s supposed to be. It really, really does not work well.

Today, my heart rate has been all over the place and my breathing has been weird. Spiritual hangriness, rain, long thinking drives, and talking to God a lot.

He tapped my hands and lifted my chin.

He is so gentle. It brings me to tears.

He showed me I needed to let go of some things. I was confused for a few minutes, looked back for a moment, and let go.

And immediately afterwards?

Blessings and more peace than earlier.

He is always good. He knows better.

Open those hands.

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sunshine

But what happens when the sunshine is sad?

Whiplash emotion

bites like a dog

sharp fangs

pierce smoothly

sink deep

heart ache.

things that I processed

rising again

like a grotesque Phoenix

flying black from the ash

of the emotional book yard where I lay

my past.

don’t say ‘it’s fine’ when it’s not

not in the moment

not in the future

not in the past

and I’m just preaching to myself here

knowing that it’s ok to feel

to feel intensely

to not let it show

to write it out

or to let it show

it’s ok.

you don’t just have to feel happy emotions

you can still feel grief and regret and hurt and off and sadness hangovers.

you don’t have to be the sunshine and the happy and the child’s heart all the time.

the emotions aren’t negative per se,

they’re learning

and they’re teaching

and they’re real

and they’re raw.

burn yourself and have the scar to remind you not to do it again

carve it into paper with your pen to read in the someday and remember and grieve and lay it down again.

that moment when numbness breaks and it hits you

it’s ok to get it out and express.

the sunshine can be sad sometimes too.

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soft glow

blankets everywhere

procrastinating on sleep

so instead

stretching out every muscle group that I knew how to, just for fun, for about an hour or so.

feeling muscles lengthen, realizing I just hit some goals and am farther along than I was a few days ago, listening to breathing, rain, and the dryer humming down the hall from me.


the human body is fascinating. I have seen and touched many, as a massage therapist, and they never fail to amaze me at how different and complex and beautiful and unique they all are.

working again has meant my “massage muscles” are coming back, my forearms and hand muscles are looking like how they used to, my “slug muscle” is slowly forming and building up once again.

stretching and watching your tendons shift, your muscles contract or relax, feeling all of the sensation, i don’t think it’ll ever fail to fascinate me.

God made us in His image. And we’re flawed here on earth. But these flawed creations are still so beautiful to me. I can’t wait to see what they’re like when we’re whole.