sunshine

But what happens when the sunshine is sad?

Whiplash emotion

bites like a dog

sharp fangs

pierce smoothly

sink deep

heart ache.

things that I processed

rising again

like a grotesque Phoenix

flying black from the ash

of the emotional book yard where I lay

my past.

don’t say ‘it’s fine’ when it’s not

not in the moment

not in the future

not in the past

and I’m just preaching to myself here

knowing that it’s ok to feel

to feel intensely

to not let it show

to write it out

or to let it show

it’s ok.

you don’t just have to feel happy emotions

you can still feel grief and regret and hurt and off and sadness hangovers.

you don’t have to be the sunshine and the happy and the child’s heart all the time.

the emotions aren’t negative per se,

they’re learning

and they’re teaching

and they’re real

and they’re raw.

burn yourself and have the scar to remind you not to do it again

carve it into paper with your pen to read in the someday and remember and grieve and lay it down again.

that moment when numbness breaks and it hits you

it’s ok to get it out and express.

the sunshine can be sad sometimes too.

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soft glow 

blankets everywhere 

procrastinating on sleep

so instead 

stretching out every muscle group that I knew how to, just for fun, for about an hour or so. 

feeling muscles lengthen, realizing I just hit some goals and am farther along than I was a few days ago, listening to breathing, rain, and the dryer humming down the hall from me. 


the human body is fascinating. I have seen and touched many, as a massage therapist, and they never fail to amaze me at how different and complex and beautiful and unique they all are. 

working again has meant my “massage muscles” are coming back, my forearms and hand muscles are looking like how they used to, my “slug muscle” is slowly forming and building up once again. 

stretching and watching your tendons shift, your muscles contract or relax, feeling all of the sensation, i don’t think it’ll ever fail to fascinate me. 

God made us in His image. And we’re flawed here on earth. But these flawed creations are still so beautiful to me. I can’t wait to see what they’re like when we’re whole. 

right now

Right now

in my life 


I am working at one of my dream jobs, a beautiful massage studio, and another nannying job with the sweetest family. 

I changed my hair from bronde to auburn and am loving it, it feels more natural than any other color I’ve tried. 

I am wearing gold jewelry instead of the silver that I’ve worn for years. 

I’ve learned I’m not the skin tone I thought I was (I’m bad at that type of thing) and so have been playing with color a lot. 

I am not in a relationship, as after much prayer and thought, I ended my relationship with Nick in September.  I don’t really have any words to say to the internet about it right now, maybe someday I’ll explain more. 

I’m physically the strongest I’ve ever been. 

I’m almost at the most flexible I’ve ever been. When I vaulted I was bendier, but I’m almost at where I was. 

I’m closer to God than I’ve ever been. He is beautiful and I’m so grateful. 

I’m learning how He wants me to view Him, myself, and others. How we all work together for Him. 

I’m learning what He wants me to do in this season of my life. Honestly, right where I’m at right now is one of the happiest seasons I’ve ever been in, because of so many different things. 

I’m listening to the rain fall as I journal and blog while sitting on my pile of blankets and pillows on the floor, with soft lamp glow and the heater going. 

He is wholly good. Always. Life is good. 

september 8th 

do emotions or logic make you tick? what do you first notice about people?


who or what do you first think about when you first open your eyes and take that conscious inhale in the morning? 

why do you stay up at night?

do you really believe that God has a plan laid out for you and you can’t mess it up? 

have you ever watched a plant grow and bear fruit and die and learned lessons from it?

have you ever sat under a tree and felt it’s comfort?

have you ever felt music while on a beach and you *desperately* wanted to run with complete abandon and dance, no matter who was there? did you regret later that you didn’t do it?

does a tomato smell red to you too? 

have you ever had so many thoughts and questions and FEELINGS and the desire to yell and also hide and shrink and grow and stomp in a dance and cry without caring, to go and run fast and dodge blows and feel adrenaline all AT ONCE rushing through your body so hard and overwhelmingly, that you simply sit there and listen to the person talking to you and shake? Or stare out the car window like nothing is actually happening?

do you like small talk or big talk? 

are you content with just feeling? or do you crave intensity? 

do you actually want to KNOW what people are thinking and how they process things and what their response is to different situations? what type of food they like? And why? 

what does their grandparents house smell like?

Mine smells like old wood and their laundry detergent and antique furniture and my grandpa’s hugs. 

how long can you spend with your grandparents before you get tired or they stop talking? 

did they pass down things to you? I inherited my grandpa’s love of writing (he was a Seattle Times reporter), my grandma’s love of gardening, good food, and collecting cardboard boxes so you have just the right box for whatever needs it. 

do you sit up late at night and look through your photo roll on your phone and relive every memory and choice there and come up with questions and curiosity?  

V. 1 

Nighttime 
Life line

Thoughts breaking out of daytime boxes 

Floating into the comforting layer of velvety dark 

Moonlight sifts through the branches

Softly 

Silently 

Kissing the ground that rests and the dreamers who don’t sleep 

The world deeply slumbers yet is 

Vibrantly awake 

Flowers blooming for the moon, moths being nocturnal butterflies

Restless hearts dancing or thinking. 

      Nighttime whispers to emotions that they can come out and play, that it has put up a filter, no one can see. And once they’ve been coaxed out, they confidently wander all over the mind. 

If daytime sees the typical life that we put up for show, perfect smiles and overly optimistic and matching instagram feeds, nighttime sees the raw, vulnerable side. 

Night sees heaving tears and aching chests, shredded hearts, sitting on the windowsill with tired eyes and a sick soul, maybe just feeling numb, screaming at the moon, dancing fiercely, pleading,  saying words to the stars that we’ll never ever tell the people we want to. 

  Night also sees earnest, intense thoughts. Dreams, sweet whispers, hands tentatively brushing as they stare at the stars, blushes hidden by dark. Small glances, long hugs underneath the porch lights, fireworks and celebrations. Eyes shining. Contentment. Long talks of getting to know people, wrapping in a blanket to protect from dew and wind to stare at the stars, laughs and laughs and laughs. 

I wonder

 at how when the sun and moon trade places, the world transforms in so many different ways. 

lately 

Life 
Goes 

On.
It’s been awhile since I was here last…What has been going on lately? My life has turned around in ways I didn’t expect a few months ago, but it is good and how life is. Sometimes you need a push to get onto the right track, and first you’re tripping, but  then you hit your stride and enjoy it after awhile. I got a pretty hefty shove, but those are needed sometimes, and I’m enjoying the challenges and stepping closer to God. 

     A piece of what’s been happening lately? Realizations, lessons, reminders, ponderings…

    • If you ask me what my favorite _____ is, I’ll probably tell you three or so favorites in that category that I have. I don’t have many things that are simply one specific favorite. I never realized that until this week. 

    • Headphones are amazing. I completely forgot about their existence, and how much more intense listening to music through them is. It’s glorious.

     • Pain will nudge you closer to God. Often times when I get comfortable in His blessings, and when life is going well, I forget that I’m puny and not in control at all in any way. Enter pain and reality checks, and switching the focus to where it’s supposed to be. I’m grateful God is patient and that He cares enough to give us opportunities to get our focus right again. 

    • You’re afraid of what you judge. 

     • Catering leftovers are still amazing, sunsets remind me of people in how they’re each different and beautiful in their own way, and manchengo cheese is thoughtful and has a beautiful texture. 

    • As Christians, we’re free from fear. We’re told not to worry, be anxious, or to fret, or to be concerned, or whatever other word you use in place of worrying. Literally told to NOT do that. To live in fear is a choice, and conveys that you don’t trust God. We. don’t. have. to. pick. up. fear. God is bigger. We can’t change anything, when it comes down to it, so why not trust and lift your face to God, rather than clenching your fists and fretting. Easier said than done, but I think worth working towards. 

    • Francis Chan. His words are a blessing. Go listen to some. The end. 

     • Gardening is amazing, satisfying, makes me think of long term planning AND short time planning, builds a surprising amount of muscle, discipline, management, nurturing… and you get food from it!! No downside. Go make yo’self a garden. It’s a metaphor of so many aspects of life. I love how often it’s in the Bible. 

    • You can have amazing gifts, but if you don’t use them, they’re useless. Hone your skills, improve, don’t be lackadaisical, keep growing. 

    • White tea is delicious. Pear flavored white tea is not, but pretty much any other flavor is. 

    • I haven’t been writing much at all this summer bc of distractions and not prioritizing it, so I’m rediscovering/creating my voice, and it’s squashed in between my factual writing style and my more whimsical poetic style, it’s like puberty for writing. Blarg. It’s humerous and odd and awkward,  but just a season, so it’s been cracking me up. 

    So there you go, my neglected followers, little random updates. 

-me 

The Purpose Here

Purpose.

That word is on my mind a lot.

In pretty much anything I do, I’m continually asking, “what’s the purpose here? Why am I doing this? Why am I here?”

I’m learning that is a thing that INFPs have in big ways. Because of our cognitive function line ups, we function by authenticity. We want to have a reason, to make a difference, to have things line up with our “moral compasses” as they’ve been called. To make sure we’re being ourselves in what we do.

If it doesn’t line up, or has no purpose, we aren’t as invested in it. I need a goal to work toward. Sometime the reason I’m doing something is just to make the space more clean. Sometimes it’s to use my hands to bless someone. Sometimes it’s to do something in worship to God, even though I don’t want to and am struggling, but do it anyways.

And the purpose of this blog? It’s like my journal, but online, and written in farrrr less than I do my notebooks. It’s less of a formal writing space, and more of a place to jot down my rambles, in a much longer way than I do on my many Instagram accounts (I like anonymity sometimes, ok?)

I’ve had it on my mind to make a more structured blog with a different goal than simply random thoughts, maybe eventually it’ll happen.

Until then, I’ll still keep adding things on here, mayhaps not as often as I thought awhile ago, because the speed of my life is going up.

10:47 9/18

L E A R N I N G

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it’s almost Autumn. The rains came back today, giving us more rain in a few hours than we’ve had in the past few months. Everything is more green but also dying at the same time.  I watched a sweet baby who pronounces my name “dracie”, and I love it, watching children can be really refreshing. A few trees are starting to change color and drop their leaves.  I’ve had a weird dread of this autumn since the first sunny days of the spring. Which was odd, because I normally like the changing seasons. I get the whole seasonal depression/vitamin D deficiency during the “cloudy” season here in WA, so maybe it’s that. It’s getting cold again too, and that’s never a thing I completely relish, as I’m almost always cold already.

L E A R N I N G

I hate seeing things die. Even if it’s needed and will be more beautiful later. In past years I’ve liked seeing the changes, but this year I’m really disliking it. Watching the trees change their colors and then drop their leaves, going to sleep. Retiring into the depths of their trunks and roots. I miss my trees. I miss the green. I miss the sunrays.

But it will all come again later. That much I’m certain, because we aren’t in Narnia. I’ll get to see the tree grow buds, unfurl them, watch the blossoms come out again, and that makes my heart happy.  Seasons are weird. They are strange. They aren’t all my most favorite. But they are necessary, and they have purpose.

L E A R N I N G

To hold my precious things with open hands, to hold them out to God and give them to Him, and trust that His plan is better than mine. Because it is! He is the creator of the universe who has intentionally created us down to the smallest detail, and who sees us. Who hears us. Who loves us so deeply. He isn’t angry at me, I don’t have to face His wrath. I haven’t figured out how to properly explain how my heart feels at that truth.

He has a purpose and a plan for everything in our lives, and I’m so grateful for that. Free falling to trust Him is easier if you’re keeping Him in your primary focus. He is wholly good.

L E A R N I N G

He is just. Growing up, I always took ‘just’ in the punishment sense, in that if you deserve to be punished, then you can bet you will be.  But it also means that when He makes promises to us, He’s going to carry out those promises. And you can completely count on it. He rewards, He makes promises to us, and we’re allowed to claim those promises and tell Him we’re looking for His rewards. He loves to reward, God is a generous God. It’s like giving a little kid who you love a present, and you get that really happy feeling at seeing their delight. I believe that’s how God may be. He wants us to want His gifts.

L E A R N I N G

Who I am, again. Finding Gracie. Grace. Elisabeth. Reading old journals and notebooks of mine. I hate cliches, unless I’ve had that moment where the cliche comes real to me.  I love sushi. I love hiking. I don’t like strong coffee. I love plants, notebooks, cozy blankets, watching stars and sunsets from mountains. I like mornings, I like late nights, I’m just not a “waking up” person.  I really don’t like arrogance in people. I really admire gratitude. I’m more like my dad than I realized I am, but still very much an INFP. I crave purpose and direction.

I love the color orange, and also blue. I will people watch whenever I can, and I’ll notice your eyes first, and then what your presence feels like. I collect different sized cardboard boxes so that I have just the right size for the purpose, apparently I inherited that habit from my grandma. I’m empathetic, it’s a blessing but also weird at times. I don’t really worry about what people think of me unless they’re a select few in my close circle, and even then I’m aware that people aren’t always going to get you, and it’s PERFECTLY ok if they don’t. You do you and listen to God. Put your focus in the right place. I love yoga, enjoy running if someone will force me to do it, and can now do three consecutive pull ups, which is three more than I could do last week.

I love growth. I admire trees a lot. I’m learning where God wants me to go in life.

He is good, so it is good, I’m not sure what I’m doing, but I’m content.

blank but color

I’m sitting on my bed, staring at the keys. I have various books, notebooks, papers, and plants spread all around me. I have words, but I don’t know how to say them. I’m rediscovering my writing style, because I slacked off on my writing for a time, so excuse the awkwardness and lack of direction as I sort through the mental ball of wire that is currently my thought process.

First of all, God has been working on my heart and who I am in pretty big ways that I did not see coming these past two weeks. He is so, so good, and I can’t believe that we can actually talk directly to Him.

What have I been learning?

God’s timing and will is FAR better than my own. I had an experience a few years ago that actually forms a pretty significant part of my testimony. It taught me and really laid the foundation for believing that God has a plan for everything that happens, it’s His will, I can’t mess His will up. In His timing He will restore things and make them beautiful, and give us peace with it. Hard things are part of growth. Seeing how He orchestrated that first event, and then being able to have that assurance and peace in trusting Him in recent events has been really huge. It’s a calm peace, trusting Him isn’t as hard as I once thought it was.

Fear is a choice. In Christ, you are free from that. You only have fear if you choose to pick it up.

When I was younger, I never understood what people meant when they said they could hear from God. The ‘Still small voice’. I’d ask my mom what He sounded like, how I’d know it was Him, what if He never talks to me, what if I don’t realize it’s Him?  But I’ve heard from Him. It’s different that what I expected when I was younger, but it’s unmistakable and beautiful. Often it’s a thought that gets stuck in my mind and won’t go away, that gets unknowingly confirmed by other people, or in the word. Sometimes it’s in other ways, more or less direct, but when I’m actually listening for Him and not trying to shut Him out I can hear much more clearly. And I’m grateful.

Being confident in prayers. Claiming prayers. He gives us promises and it’s ok for us to remind Him. Not to pray and then doubt or not expect Him to actually do it. Ya gotta have faith, prepare for what you prayed for. If it’s not His plan He’ll show you.

To obey God is the best thing. It will be blessed, He is a God that rewards, and you can claim and trust in your blessing.

I have more of a people pleasing tendency than I thought, but really only with the people close to me. Not everyone I love will understand or agree with my actions or what God has asked me to do, and that’s ok. What matters is obedience.

The little things you do, the little disciplines, make a HUGE difference and set your course. The little choices in your life, the little habits, they all add up. It’ll make ya or break ya.

Reject that sin. God is better.

When in doubt, don’t open your mouth.

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Right now, I don’t know where I’m headed, I’m a blank canvas that doesn’t know what type of paint is about to be added. And that’s completely ok. He’ll open the doors and give direction in His timing. I’m content in that.

blessings,

elisabeth grace

growing slowly

Wisdom and character and trees grow slowly. The tree, after being planted, does not immediately spring up to 40 feet and bear fruit and fulfill its purpose.

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No, it takes time. It goes through every different season; the cold ones, the warm ones, the pruning times, the fertilizing times, and through it all it grows little by little, year by year.

So also I think it is with wisdom. You go slowly and increase gradually. You can’t do everything at the same time in one moment. Change sometimes doesn’t happen immediately, sometimes you won’t even be able to see or measure the growth that’s happening. But it’s there, and someday you may look back at where you were years ago, and realize how much you’ve grown. Keep on keeping on.